Category: Family

5 Reasons you (and I) are unloving

Unloving.  Period.

I have to admit, to myself and to those who have to live with me… that I am often unloving.  (gasp!)  Any thinking person would have to admit the same is true in them, at least to some degree.  As I’ve pondered this fact, I’ve come up with at least 5 reasons why it is the case for me…

#1 – I am afraid of people.  - I don’t mean this as in “I’m afraid they will hurt me or treat me badly,” though I guess that could be the case for some.  For me it’s more in this way: “I’m afraid to interact with people because I’m not sure I’ll be up to the task.”  All people (including me) are broken and hurting, in need of love.  I don’t always feel up to the challenge of giving it to them as I know I should.  So ironically, the very fact that I’m not good at loving others often moves me to be even more unloving… by withdrawing from social contexts, avoiding certain people who I know are needy, or not taking initiative with others simply out of love and concern for them.  It may also manifest itself in me not engaging with others because I’m afraid of what they might think of me, or conclude about me.  All this shows me (again) that…

#2 – I am insecure. – This is really the bottom line of the previous point, but warrants a little more investigation.  Though I’ve been around the block enough times to know that there truly are areas and things that I’m gifted by God to do, I still feel uneasy when it comes to dealing with people.  I still feel this way even though I’ve seen the LORD use me in such relational contexts time and time again.  Loving others simply doesn’t come very naturally to me, and I let my feeling of discomfort with it get the best of me.  I know that some of this tension exists because of personality and gifting (which are what God has made them, and are therefore good), but the fact remains that I’m insecure.  I can’t help but feel that there’s a place in this where I’m not trusting God as I should…

#3 – I care more about things than I do people. – There are certain things I really enjoy doing and being involved in… and other things that I don’t – at all.  AS EXAMPLES:

  • I like organizing stuff and planning out things.
  • I like studying.
  • I like preparing sermons.
  • I like working on special projects.
  • I like writing.
  • I don’t like the messiness of relationships.
  • I don’t like the difficulty involved in good communication.
  • I don’t like feeling obligated toward others (though many times obligation is a good thing… as in “duty.”)
  • I don’t like dealing with people’s emotions (or my own for that matter).

DID YOU NOTICE… most of my “likes” have to do with things… most of my “dislikes” have to do with people?  Personal preferences may be signs of where I’m more gifted, which is good to know.  But when I allow my preferences to dictate where I spend my time, I’m moving toward the realization that…

#4 – I’m selfish. – No justifications.  No arguments.  Just an admission that it’s true.  I want what I want.  I want to do what I want to do. Way too much of the time I consider what I want before I consider what another may need.  For some reason I’ve become very good at making the needed self-sacrifices when it comes to my family.  But when it comes to those who are not as close to me I have a much harder time.  Is the fact that I love my family more than the generic “other person” the reason that I’m able to sacrifice unselfishly for them?  Probably.  So how am I to understand that?  I’ll probably always (and probably always should) love my family in greater ways than I do others.  How am I to love those others, who are not my family, in just as effective terms, even though the same kind or depth of love is not at the root of my actions?

# 5 – I am not very compassionate. – I am able to sympathize with those who are suffering or in need, honestly, I am.  I can put myself in their shoes most of the time, and feel at least some of what they feel.  But even though that’s true, I often think the plight of others’ pain does not touch me as deeply as it ought.  Maybe I don’t know enough of the facts of their situation.  Maybe I don’t put myself into their shoes enough.  Maybe I just don’t step away from my “to do” list long enough to let myself truly be moved with compassion.  I need to be more compassionate.  I need to care more about people.

Where to from here?

Sometimes this fact of my unloving-ness immobilizes me.  I feel stuck, unable to change it, and hopeless that there’s really anything that I can do to change it.  I don’t like feeling that way.  In fact, I hate it.

So where to?  What CAN I do?

Biblically, I only see one thing… to walk by the Spirit (Galatians 5:18).  I must learn to step obediently into every work God has appointed for me to do (Ephesians 2:8-9) – whether I feel like it or not, whether I feel up to it or not, whether I believe it to be one of my strong suits or not.  As I do, He will produce His fruit in me and through me… the first of which is love (Galatians 5:22).

In the end, it’s not up to me to produce the fruit of love… it’s up to me to submit to the Spirit’s lead, which allows HIM to produce the fruit of love in me.

Secular Sermon: Being a Dad – Marriage = O.K.

Another of the billboards sponsored by a “birth control” organization.  See if you can pick up the “sermon” being preached…

Message: Being a Dad – Marriage = O.K.

My thoughts on the subject:

  • If it were clear that this were a married couple… I think there could be a healthy message in here someplace.  But…
  • The organization’s website makes marriage a “neutral” sort of choice.  There’s even an article titled, “More Births Happening Outside of Marriage: What’s Right for You?”
  • In that article it actually says this: “The shape and look of families is changing for all kinds of reasons – all part of the changing world in which we live.  There are some things that are truly out of our control, but when and if you get pregnant is up to you and what that looks like within or out of marriage deserves serious consideration.  Taking charge in our own lives is up to us.”
  • Do you see the mixed message?  ”It’s outside your control whether you get pregnant or not.”  Yet they have the nerve to say, “You need to take control of your own life.“

Correction:

  • Biblically, being a Dad or Mom is a serious commitment, and one that should be entered into only within the bond of marriage.
  • To speak of becoming a “Dad” without speaking of marriage first, is encouraging irresponsibility and neglect of the child.
  • A child born into a situation without a marriage commitment between their parents is at a disadvantage, in many ways. – one of the greatest being the poor and ungodly example set by their own parents.

In my mind’s eye, here’s what the billboard should say if it were speaking the truth:

Romans 12:1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Books from the PF Journal..

For my wife…

I really, Really, REALLY, REALLY love the wife the Lord has graciously given me!  What a wonderful blessing she has been to my life!  This one’s for you, my love… it’s really how I feel… I love the line that pictures love as a fire – you’ll know what I mean!  Lyrics first, video/music below that… enjoy my love!

Million Miles by Josh Garrels

Feel the wind blow, through the window, I know,
that we’ll make it through
It’s a million miles from, where we begun, and I,
I still love you

I remember, as clear as ever, the day,
when we first met
Lord you know I, l love to hold her eyes, in mine
everyday since

Everyday and night
Together we will grow
Makin’ the most of a life
As we hold each other close

As we grow old, may it be told, that we,
never lost our flame
If love’s a fire, then our desire, is to burn,
untamed

Everyday and night
Together we will grow
Makin’ the most of a life
As we hold each other close

Adultery doesn’t “just happen”…

There are tell-tale signs, or better said, small little “erosions” that happen bit by bit that lead to adultery.  They begin in the marriage relationship itself, and then are exaggerated and exploited by things outside the marriage relationship.  And you’d better believe that satan is involved (yes, I know I didn’t capitalize his name… he doesn’t deserve it).

This article, entitled “How an affair begins” is a good reminder for every married couple… read it.

Godly young women… tips when looking for Mr. Godly P. Wonderful…

This is re-posted in it’s entirety from the Resurgence… It’s a wonderful list of things for godly young women to keep in mind when trying to find “Mr. Right”…

I recently came across a 20-year-old photo of Phil and me when we were dating. I started thinking about how very little I knew about relationships, men, and marriage then.

Formulating a list of what I would tell myself back then, my advice began with a stern warning to stay away from any man with a mullet . . . but then again, it was the ’90s—every man had a mullet!

On a more serious note, these are eight principles that would have taken much confusion and heartbreak out of those tumultuous dating years. I hope they help you:

1. Repeat after me: “You are loved.”

I am not kidding. Repeat. After. Me. Out loud, often, with conviction. These are such simple words to say, but they have the most deep and resounding impact on our souls if we would just believe.

God says to his daughters in Jeremiah: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Until you have tasted God’s eternal, steadfast, redeeming love, hold off on looking for a man. You may just end up settling for a quick love that cannot fill your core heart’s longing. Even if you are not currently being pursued by a man, you are constantly being pursued by Jesus.

2. You are less beautiful than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

Our sin makes us ugly. No amount of makeup, clothing, or confident, flirtatious façade can change that fact. It takes a humble, redeemed woman changed by God to admit the ugliness of her sin and rest in her beauty in Christ. We must repent of our pride, our shame, our obsession with our looks. We must believe and embrace who God made us to be: beautiful in his image.

True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ.

3. Consider what controls you.

Is it fear, loneliness, demand for a man, seeking approval, career, money?

Let the love of Christ control you. Pay attention to what is controlling your heart as you wait for a date, are in a dating relationship, or even into marriage. We settle for lesser gods than the one who died for us and love us unconditionally.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Corinthians 5:14–15

4. Address your daddy issues.

Most of us have them—wounds on our hearts from our earthly fathers and their shortcomings. Whether yours was absent and uninvolved or abusive and abandoning, don’t let him define who you believe your heavenly Father to be. Even if you have a godly and protective father, he is not God.

You are not looking for a dad-duplicate or a dad-replacement in a man. You have a perfect heavenly Father.

Let Scripture reveal to you who God is as Dad and what kind of care he gives his daughters.

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Luke 11:13

5. Charm and beauty are not a good dating plan.

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Often, our grand scheme for how to snag a date goes only skin-deep. We put massive pressure on ourselves to pour on the charm and look cute wherever we go, not realizing that a godly man will also be concerned about inner beauty. God certainly is.

“But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” 1 Peter 3:4

A woman who fears the Lord is one who, despite her desire for a date, fears being far away from God more than she does missing out on a man who is easily fooled by her exterior.

6. Realize you are already submitting—or are you?

Submission is not only for wives. God asks for a submitted heart now, one that trusts in his provision and plan for your life, including dating. Ultimately, dating, and all of life, is about submission—waiting and trusting God and saying as Jesus does, “Not my will but yours be done.”

This does not, however, leave you helpless, hopeless, and hamstrung in the relationship department. A godly woman can express friendly interest in a brother in Christ.

  • It is OK to mingle—but don’t manipulate.
  • Peruse—but don’t pursue. Let him initiate.
  • Take notice of the godly men serving Jesus around you—but never stalk. It’s creepy.
  • Cross paths with a man who interests you—but don’t tackle him.

7. Dress to kill . . .

. . . your evil desires and his. We all know what it’s like to be noticed for what we wear. Your desire to draw attention to yourself is vanity. Do not falsely advertise what is not available to anyone but your future husband. Don’t open the door for men to make assumptions about you by what you wear. Help your brothers in Christ by dressing modestly and appropriately (and by all means, neatly, cleanly, and fashionably!) Check your heart for your motives when you dress.

8. Guard your heart.

Guarding one’s heart is still an issue even if no one is overtly vying for it.  Watch out for the “might be” snare, as in, “He ‘might be’ flirting with me and so I’m going to get carried away thinking about every possible place [read: marriage] that could lead.”

It is entirely possible to honor God, yourself, and a brother in Christ on a date. Don’t elevate him or the relationship to the place that God alone should hold in your heart. Enjoy, don’t idolize . . . and for goodness sake, relax! A cup of coffee does not necessarily mean a diamond ring is soon to follow.

As a single woman, give your heart fully, wholly, unabashedly, and devotedly to Christ alone.

Be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of your heart you give to a man. Be able to walk away from a dating relationship with your whole heart intact so that your future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road. Prayerfully consider what, when, how much to give away.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Faithfully serve and care for your wife – one example

This is re-posted from Brian Croft’s blog – Practical Shepherding

What does it look like for a Christian man to faithfully serve and care for his wife?

The great Princeton Theologian, B.B Warfield, is known as one of the toughest, boldest, and most biblically faithful American Theologians of the late nineteenth century. Even his typical burly glare in most of his pictures would send a liberal theologian running. Because of this, it may surprise you to read of Warfield’s legendary example in his joyful, sacrificial service to his invalid wife. David Calhoun, in his book on Princeton Seminary, vividly captures this powerful example:

Through all the years of their married life Dr. Warfield faithfully cared for his invalid wife. He guarded, protected, and stood by her while carrying his full teaching load and pursuing demanding writing assignments. The seminary students often noted his gentle and loving care for Mrs. Warfield as they walked together on Princeton streets and, later, back and forth on the porch of their campus home. Finally she was bedridden and saw few people besides her husband. By his own choice Dr. Warfield became almost confined to his house; he was never away from her for more than an hour or two at a time. He set aside time to read to her every day. They left Princeton only once in the ten years before her death, for a vacation that he hoped would help her. With his excellent health and varied interests Dr. Warfield must have felt this restriction, but he never complained.

Despite Warfield’s constant care of his wife, Gresham Machen believed Warfield had done “about as much work as ten ordinary men.” Warfield, like many others, can teach us much about theology, but he may be one of just a few celebrated men of history who by his life example can squash our weak excuses of neglect and challenge us to serve our wives with consistency, sacrifice, and longevity.

The power of a Dad’s worship…

The following is an article I came across last week, and it powerful.  It is written by a Christian man who lost his earthly father in 2010.  I’m quoting the entire article because it’s so powerful to me.  May the example of his father be an example to the rest of us fathers…

Dads… you have GOT to read this!

Dads, Sing Like You Mean It Because Your Kids Are Watching

by STEPHEN ALTROGGE on MARCH 13, 2012

[This was written by a man in my church named Keith McCracken. May we be inspired by the example of Keith's father.]

My father was a wonderfully eccentric man. He was a quick witted recluse and a virtual Picasso of mechanicalia. He worked third shift (11:00PM to 7:00AM) for 37 years (without missing a day or ever being late) so as to avoid having his talents “supervised into obscurity.” To most people outside of his family he was hard to understand and blissfully unconcerned with anyone else’s opinion of him. But despite all of that he was very overt about his faith in, and love for, our Savior Jesus Christ.

Though I hold many cherished memories of him, perhaps the most vivid was his excitement over singing certain hymns. By all accounts he possessed at best an “average” voice when it comes to uniqueness and tonal quality. But he sang his favorites with a conviction that was beyond convincing and was by far one of the loudest and most joyful voices in a congregation of approximately 350. I remember looking up at him and “checking him out” while he was singing… “Is he for real?” I would wonder. When he would catch me looking at him he would simply “lock-eyes” with me and sing all the louder while he broadened his grin to match proportion with his pleasure.

He wouldn’t just sing hymns at church either. I can think of many times when the two of us would be welding up a go-kart frame or swapping an engine on a Saturday afternoon and he would spontaneously break into a hymn. In my teens and early twenties I actually found it annoying given the perplexity of some of the situations we would be deep into. But then again I would eventually come around and sing with him anyway. I just never managed to muster the joy he got out of it. I didn’t think about it then but I can see clearly now that he was blessing me with rich God honoring doctrine. That he was lovingly cramming truth into my psyche that would not return void in my soul.

The now heart-softening aspect of these memories is that I am standing here in my church singing these same time impervious truths in front of my children. I catch them looking up at me and I wonder if I am anywhere near as good an example as he was. I get caught up and overwhelmed when I recognize the blessing that God had granted me in an earthly father. How diligent Dad was to bless me in an eternal way without ever making a point to tell me that he was doing it.

Jack McCracken passed away on March 9th of 2010 from pancreatic cancer. The last day I saw him alive was March 8th. We were alone and I was brutally tired from all that had preceded. He could not speak or even open his eyes but the nurses assured me that he could hear so I just prayed for him and encouraged him to trust in Jesus and look for him to come soon. When my nephew arrived I felt comforted that dad would not be alone and I decided to return to my parents’ house and get some rest. I asked my nephew for just a few moments alone with dad and I grasped his hand firmly, kissed his forehead and said: “You did a fantastic job as my father and I am so glad I got to be your son. Thank you for taking me to church. But more importantly thank you for going to church and being joyful there. Thank you for singing like you meant every word… You have no idea how that still affects me… I love you dad.

I stepped back and whistled a “call” he had taught me when I was very young. It would not have been discernible to anyone in a crowd but it meant “I am right behind you” and “I am coming.” I hugged my nephew and thanked him for coming then drove to my parent’s home. Three hours later I was awakened by a phone call from my nephew telling me that “Grampa was gone.” I slumped back into my chair. I wept bitterly. Then I cried out to God for comfort and without much thought I began singing one of Dads favorite hymns…“Jesus paid it all.” As I was singing I began to hear Dad’s voice singing with me… Not as any kind of haunting specter or communion with the dead kind of thing. Much more like a perfect echo… I began to envision his face and felt like I was a little kid again looking up at him. His grin was broadening and his voice was getting louder. I began to thank God over and over for the gift he had given me in my earthly father and the gift of salvation that he had granted to both dad and I. I just laid on the floor and prayed then cried, then sang then prayed some more. I have no idea how long I spent in that state but I can tell you that God granted me peace through it.

Now almost two years later I am still unable to sing a lot of those “old-Baptist” tunes without experiencing the “echo” of my father. I count it a privilege to sing these rich truths in tribute to the one true God; but I also experience the benefit of knowing I am fulfilling the scriptural command to honor my earthly father as well.

I decided to write this all out first as a means of expressing for myself what is sometimes difficult to verbalize. And secondly as a means of encouragement to the fathers in this church. Please sing like you mean it on Sunday morning. I am not asking you to “fake” anything… but rather embrace the very meaning these songs were written for. Seek to express your joy in your Savior Jesus Christ by singing in response to what he has done for you, and in agreement with the truths imbedded in these songs. Neither am I encouraging you to do this specifically for your children’s benefit but first for yourselves with the added comfort of knowing how much it will affect your children. I am simply encouraging you to worship in spirit and in truth. Sing strong because that is what God wants from you. Trust God to bless your children with the echo

You can find the original article HERE

Back from sabbatical: some first thoughts…

Wow… returning back to full time work at the church after a 4 month sabbatical (refresh, renewal, rejuvenation) is an odd thing.  Not just the “getting used to” being on the job again… but the inability to actually formulate my thoughts and gleanings.  There is so much that happened, so much that is still bouncing around inside my brain and chest that it’s hard to put it together.  However… there are a few things that come to the surface immediately when I consider the major lessons of the time away…

  1. “Emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable.  It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”  That is a quote from one of the most shaping, important books I read while gone (and it wasn’t even on my reading list to start with – thanks Matt!).  ”The Emotionally Healthy Church” by Peter Scazzero was a God-send for this experienced, but worn-out Pastor.  It spoke things that I’ve known intuitively for a long time, but could never articulate clearly… and things that my dear gift-of-a-wife has taught me for years.  I’m still processing… but I’m sure that the ideas of this book will be surfacing in my discipleship, counseling, and preaching from here on out.
  2. God Himself is sufficient for every need – be it emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical.  My wife and I have always believed that, but our sabbatical taught it to us in new ways.  After quite a handful of very emotional, painful years for personal reasons, we both found great healing and comfort in the LORD alone.  Mindi especially had one particular weekend alone that was transformational.  There was a great deal of emotional, spiritual, and mental healing that happened.  It was suggested that we seek some kind of counseling while we were away, which we did consider… but our hearts were inclined more to seek counsel from our divine Counselor, and He was faithful in so many ways.  Physically, we both dropped 30 pounds or more (3 clothing sizes).  I include that ONLY because we couldn’t have done it without the LORD’s prompting and empowerment.  I can’t really explain it adequately.  It wasn’t a “grit your teeth and do it” kind of thing… though there was plenty of self-control needed.  It was a gift from the Lord, plain and simple.  His provision of the mindset, strength, and motivation to keep at it (in exercise and nutrition) are nothing short of a miracle to me.  Thank You Father.  (While I’m at it, I want to thank the LORD for the provision of the information that is being taught by Dr. Joel Fuhrman.  Though I don’t believe he professes Christ, the LORD is using his knowledge greatly in our lives.)
  3. Rest is a good thing.  This should be pretty obvious to all of us… but in this go-get-em-till-you-drop culture, it needs to be said.  Like I said, there are things that happened in my soul that I can’t quite define yet… but I know that some of the rejuvenation I feel came solely from the lavish gift of so much time away from my responsibilities at the church.  I am a firm believer in sabbaticals now… for every Pastor.  I’m not sure yet how often and/or how long is best… but I believe in them.
  4. My family is the BOMB! – The time I was allowed to spend with my wife and kids, uninterrupted and unhurried
    was an unbelievably gracious gift.  Our relationships grew as I would never have imagined just because of our availability and proximity to each other.  During the sabbatical my oldest son married too.  My wife and I had the privilege and honor of having a short series of premarital conversations with him and his (then) fiance, Hanna.  What a blessing and gift!  And I was allowed to officiate their marriage ceremony and pray God’s blessing over them.  My heart is overflowing!  It was wonderful!  Soon they will be back from their honeymoon and living in the same town we do (until we move 35 miles away to be nearer our church family, which I hope is soon)!  What a blessing… my family is the BOMB!