Category: Marriage

5 Reasons you (and I) are unloving

Unloving.  Period.

I have to admit, to myself and to those who have to live with me… that I am often unloving.  (gasp!)  Any thinking person would have to admit the same is true in them, at least to some degree.  As I’ve pondered this fact, I’ve come up with at least 5 reasons why it is the case for me…

#1 – I am afraid of people.  - I don’t mean this as in “I’m afraid they will hurt me or treat me badly,” though I guess that could be the case for some.  For me it’s more in this way: “I’m afraid to interact with people because I’m not sure I’ll be up to the task.”  All people (including me) are broken and hurting, in need of love.  I don’t always feel up to the challenge of giving it to them as I know I should.  So ironically, the very fact that I’m not good at loving others often moves me to be even more unloving… by withdrawing from social contexts, avoiding certain people who I know are needy, or not taking initiative with others simply out of love and concern for them.  It may also manifest itself in me not engaging with others because I’m afraid of what they might think of me, or conclude about me.  All this shows me (again) that…

#2 – I am insecure. – This is really the bottom line of the previous point, but warrants a little more investigation.  Though I’ve been around the block enough times to know that there truly are areas and things that I’m gifted by God to do, I still feel uneasy when it comes to dealing with people.  I still feel this way even though I’ve seen the LORD use me in such relational contexts time and time again.  Loving others simply doesn’t come very naturally to me, and I let my feeling of discomfort with it get the best of me.  I know that some of this tension exists because of personality and gifting (which are what God has made them, and are therefore good), but the fact remains that I’m insecure.  I can’t help but feel that there’s a place in this where I’m not trusting God as I should…

#3 – I care more about things than I do people. – There are certain things I really enjoy doing and being involved in… and other things that I don’t – at all.  AS EXAMPLES:

  • I like organizing stuff and planning out things.
  • I like studying.
  • I like preparing sermons.
  • I like working on special projects.
  • I like writing.
  • I don’t like the messiness of relationships.
  • I don’t like the difficulty involved in good communication.
  • I don’t like feeling obligated toward others (though many times obligation is a good thing… as in “duty.”)
  • I don’t like dealing with people’s emotions (or my own for that matter).

DID YOU NOTICE… most of my “likes” have to do with things… most of my “dislikes” have to do with people?  Personal preferences may be signs of where I’m more gifted, which is good to know.  But when I allow my preferences to dictate where I spend my time, I’m moving toward the realization that…

#4 – I’m selfish. – No justifications.  No arguments.  Just an admission that it’s true.  I want what I want.  I want to do what I want to do. Way too much of the time I consider what I want before I consider what another may need.  For some reason I’ve become very good at making the needed self-sacrifices when it comes to my family.  But when it comes to those who are not as close to me I have a much harder time.  Is the fact that I love my family more than the generic “other person” the reason that I’m able to sacrifice unselfishly for them?  Probably.  So how am I to understand that?  I’ll probably always (and probably always should) love my family in greater ways than I do others.  How am I to love those others, who are not my family, in just as effective terms, even though the same kind or depth of love is not at the root of my actions?

# 5 – I am not very compassionate. – I am able to sympathize with those who are suffering or in need, honestly, I am.  I can put myself in their shoes most of the time, and feel at least some of what they feel.  But even though that’s true, I often think the plight of others’ pain does not touch me as deeply as it ought.  Maybe I don’t know enough of the facts of their situation.  Maybe I don’t put myself into their shoes enough.  Maybe I just don’t step away from my “to do” list long enough to let myself truly be moved with compassion.  I need to be more compassionate.  I need to care more about people.

Where to from here?

Sometimes this fact of my unloving-ness immobilizes me.  I feel stuck, unable to change it, and hopeless that there’s really anything that I can do to change it.  I don’t like feeling that way.  In fact, I hate it.

So where to?  What CAN I do?

Biblically, I only see one thing… to walk by the Spirit (Galatians 5:18).  I must learn to step obediently into every work God has appointed for me to do (Ephesians 2:8-9) – whether I feel like it or not, whether I feel up to it or not, whether I believe it to be one of my strong suits or not.  As I do, He will produce His fruit in me and through me… the first of which is love (Galatians 5:22).

In the end, it’s not up to me to produce the fruit of love… it’s up to me to submit to the Spirit’s lead, which allows HIM to produce the fruit of love in me.

Should I do it? – You decide!

The Marriage Improvement ProjectI’m considering a new project here on the blog… and could use your input to help me decide if I should.

I’m thinking about “blogging” my couple’s marriage devotional, “The Marriage Improvement Project” for anyone who would commit to doing it for the sake of their own marriage.  If you don’t know about the MIP, it’s a couple’s devotional study I’ve put together that has helped many couples I’ve counseled.  It’s designed for both spouses to go through together, with some discussion built in.

The way I’d go about it is that I’d post one day’s devotional at a time, at an interval of every other day.

AND I’D BE DOING THIS TOTALLY FREE!

For example:

  • Saturday: I “blog” the “How To Use This Book” chapter
  • Monday: I “blog” the day 1 study
  • Wednesday: I “blog” the day 2 study
  • Friday: I “blog” the day 3 study
  • Sunday: I “blog” the day 4 study
  • Tuesday: etc. – you get the idea… until Day 40 is done.

I’m curious what you think…

Would you do the work of improving YOUR marriage if I posted it?  Talk to your spouse and let me know through the comments below!  If you don’t see it posted at a later date… nobody was interested.

Books from the PF Journal..

For my wife…

I really, Really, REALLY, REALLY love the wife the Lord has graciously given me!  What a wonderful blessing she has been to my life!  This one’s for you, my love… it’s really how I feel… I love the line that pictures love as a fire – you’ll know what I mean!  Lyrics first, video/music below that… enjoy my love!

Million Miles by Josh Garrels

Feel the wind blow, through the window, I know,
that we’ll make it through
It’s a million miles from, where we begun, and I,
I still love you

I remember, as clear as ever, the day,
when we first met
Lord you know I, l love to hold her eyes, in mine
everyday since

Everyday and night
Together we will grow
Makin’ the most of a life
As we hold each other close

As we grow old, may it be told, that we,
never lost our flame
If love’s a fire, then our desire, is to burn,
untamed

Everyday and night
Together we will grow
Makin’ the most of a life
As we hold each other close

Adultery doesn’t “just happen”…

There are tell-tale signs, or better said, small little “erosions” that happen bit by bit that lead to adultery.  They begin in the marriage relationship itself, and then are exaggerated and exploited by things outside the marriage relationship.  And you’d better believe that satan is involved (yes, I know I didn’t capitalize his name… he doesn’t deserve it).

This article, entitled “How an affair begins” is a good reminder for every married couple… read it.

Godly young women… tips when looking for Mr. Godly P. Wonderful…

This is re-posted in it’s entirety from the Resurgence… It’s a wonderful list of things for godly young women to keep in mind when trying to find “Mr. Right”…

I recently came across a 20-year-old photo of Phil and me when we were dating. I started thinking about how very little I knew about relationships, men, and marriage then.

Formulating a list of what I would tell myself back then, my advice began with a stern warning to stay away from any man with a mullet . . . but then again, it was the ’90s—every man had a mullet!

On a more serious note, these are eight principles that would have taken much confusion and heartbreak out of those tumultuous dating years. I hope they help you:

1. Repeat after me: “You are loved.”

I am not kidding. Repeat. After. Me. Out loud, often, with conviction. These are such simple words to say, but they have the most deep and resounding impact on our souls if we would just believe.

God says to his daughters in Jeremiah: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Until you have tasted God’s eternal, steadfast, redeeming love, hold off on looking for a man. You may just end up settling for a quick love that cannot fill your core heart’s longing. Even if you are not currently being pursued by a man, you are constantly being pursued by Jesus.

2. You are less beautiful than you think and more beautiful than you believe.

Our sin makes us ugly. No amount of makeup, clothing, or confident, flirtatious façade can change that fact. It takes a humble, redeemed woman changed by God to admit the ugliness of her sin and rest in her beauty in Christ. We must repent of our pride, our shame, our obsession with our looks. We must believe and embrace who God made us to be: beautiful in his image.

True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ.

3. Consider what controls you.

Is it fear, loneliness, demand for a man, seeking approval, career, money?

Let the love of Christ control you. Pay attention to what is controlling your heart as you wait for a date, are in a dating relationship, or even into marriage. We settle for lesser gods than the one who died for us and love us unconditionally.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Corinthians 5:14–15

4. Address your daddy issues.

Most of us have them—wounds on our hearts from our earthly fathers and their shortcomings. Whether yours was absent and uninvolved or abusive and abandoning, don’t let him define who you believe your heavenly Father to be. Even if you have a godly and protective father, he is not God.

You are not looking for a dad-duplicate or a dad-replacement in a man. You have a perfect heavenly Father.

Let Scripture reveal to you who God is as Dad and what kind of care he gives his daughters.

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” Luke 11:13

5. Charm and beauty are not a good dating plan.

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Often, our grand scheme for how to snag a date goes only skin-deep. We put massive pressure on ourselves to pour on the charm and look cute wherever we go, not realizing that a godly man will also be concerned about inner beauty. God certainly is.

“But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” 1 Peter 3:4

A woman who fears the Lord is one who, despite her desire for a date, fears being far away from God more than she does missing out on a man who is easily fooled by her exterior.

6. Realize you are already submitting—or are you?

Submission is not only for wives. God asks for a submitted heart now, one that trusts in his provision and plan for your life, including dating. Ultimately, dating, and all of life, is about submission—waiting and trusting God and saying as Jesus does, “Not my will but yours be done.”

This does not, however, leave you helpless, hopeless, and hamstrung in the relationship department. A godly woman can express friendly interest in a brother in Christ.

  • It is OK to mingle—but don’t manipulate.
  • Peruse—but don’t pursue. Let him initiate.
  • Take notice of the godly men serving Jesus around you—but never stalk. It’s creepy.
  • Cross paths with a man who interests you—but don’t tackle him.

7. Dress to kill . . .

. . . your evil desires and his. We all know what it’s like to be noticed for what we wear. Your desire to draw attention to yourself is vanity. Do not falsely advertise what is not available to anyone but your future husband. Don’t open the door for men to make assumptions about you by what you wear. Help your brothers in Christ by dressing modestly and appropriately (and by all means, neatly, cleanly, and fashionably!) Check your heart for your motives when you dress.

8. Guard your heart.

Guarding one’s heart is still an issue even if no one is overtly vying for it.  Watch out for the “might be” snare, as in, “He ‘might be’ flirting with me and so I’m going to get carried away thinking about every possible place [read: marriage] that could lead.”

It is entirely possible to honor God, yourself, and a brother in Christ on a date. Don’t elevate him or the relationship to the place that God alone should hold in your heart. Enjoy, don’t idolize . . . and for goodness sake, relax! A cup of coffee does not necessarily mean a diamond ring is soon to follow.

As a single woman, give your heart fully, wholly, unabashedly, and devotedly to Christ alone.

Be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of your heart you give to a man. Be able to walk away from a dating relationship with your whole heart intact so that your future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road. Prayerfully consider what, when, how much to give away.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Faithfully serve and care for your wife – one example

This is re-posted from Brian Croft’s blog – Practical Shepherding

What does it look like for a Christian man to faithfully serve and care for his wife?

The great Princeton Theologian, B.B Warfield, is known as one of the toughest, boldest, and most biblically faithful American Theologians of the late nineteenth century. Even his typical burly glare in most of his pictures would send a liberal theologian running. Because of this, it may surprise you to read of Warfield’s legendary example in his joyful, sacrificial service to his invalid wife. David Calhoun, in his book on Princeton Seminary, vividly captures this powerful example:

Through all the years of their married life Dr. Warfield faithfully cared for his invalid wife. He guarded, protected, and stood by her while carrying his full teaching load and pursuing demanding writing assignments. The seminary students often noted his gentle and loving care for Mrs. Warfield as they walked together on Princeton streets and, later, back and forth on the porch of their campus home. Finally she was bedridden and saw few people besides her husband. By his own choice Dr. Warfield became almost confined to his house; he was never away from her for more than an hour or two at a time. He set aside time to read to her every day. They left Princeton only once in the ten years before her death, for a vacation that he hoped would help her. With his excellent health and varied interests Dr. Warfield must have felt this restriction, but he never complained.

Despite Warfield’s constant care of his wife, Gresham Machen believed Warfield had done “about as much work as ten ordinary men.” Warfield, like many others, can teach us much about theology, but he may be one of just a few celebrated men of history who by his life example can squash our weak excuses of neglect and challenge us to serve our wives with consistency, sacrifice, and longevity.

Women have to submit? One woman’s battle with the Bible

I’m finishing up a time of rest (sabbatical)
so I’ve pre-scheduled this post for your encouragement!

One of the blogs I subscribe to is the “gender blog”  from the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.   Recently there was a great series of posts from one Christian woman about her struggle to understand and appreciate the Bible’s teaching on the dreaded “S” word – submission.  I thought you might like to read it…

You can find it HERE

Is a “homosexual identity” a modern invention?

I’m on sabbatical (translation: I’m resting),
so this is a pre-scheduled post for your encouragement, education and enjoyment! 

We live in a day where the rhetoric and venom over the issue of gay-rights, homosexuality, and same-sex-marriage are powerful and prevalent.  There’s plenty to be found on the internet and the nightly news about the subject… from both sides of the argument.

But in all the hubbub over the issue, history often becomes the casualty, as well as the straightforward way in which the Bible addresses the issue.

In a recent set of articles, Tony Payne wrote about this issue… and sheds some very helpful light on the subject.  Here’s a taste…

We were reading the second half of Romans 1 in Bible study the other night, and I asked the group what they thought would happen around the water cooler at work if they actually expressed out loud what Romans 1 says about gay sex.

There was an awkward silence.

“I’d be ostracized”, someone said. “It would be the end of any respect from my colleagues”, said someone else. “I’m not sure that I would be able to remain at my workplace”, said another.

Best to keep quiet then.

But the trouble with burying what we know to be true, for the sake of retaining people’s respect or regard, is that the truth has a way of rising from the grave. And when it does, we are shown to be shifty and insincere, which apart from being bad in itself, also tends not to be so good in the respect-and-regard area.

You can find the rest of the article HERE.

Affordable Christmas Gift for Christian Couples

Just a suggestion… “The Marriage Improvement Project” would make a great Christmas gift (one that really matters) for the couple in your life who could use some help understanding God’s design for marriage.  E-book copies are free, and hard-copy is very affordable with discounts for multiple copies.  You can find it at the “RESOURCE” page at the top of this blog!