Tagged: corporal punishment

Spanking = Future Sexual Problems?

You may have seen the headline today: “STUDY: Spanking May lead to Sexual Problems Later.”

Though there is some attempt at moderation in the headline by the use of the word “may,” the general direction of the headline and the article is that spanking is clearly questionable behavior on the part of parents because of an adverse impact it is likely to have on their children in the future.  This is one of the many examples of intellectual trickery (at best) and flat-out dishonesty at worst, that is present in the public dialogue of modern-day America.  When you read the headlines and the articles that go with them – THINK!  THINK!  THINK!  Don’t let yourself be fooled into believing that the “science” of a study like this is ironclad “proof” for anything.  It’s far from it!  Let’s examine it a bit further…

First, you have to notice some of the key words in the article:  “May… could… suggests…”  These words are leaving room for their initial conclusions to be wrong, which is highly appropriate and fair.  If you read the article wisely, you’ll notice that the assertions of the headline are not at all “fact.”  So don’t think that just because it’s in print, it’s a foregone conclusion.  The conclusions of this study, like many, are very speculative at best…

Next, notice the actual criteria by which they included spanking in the study…

(the study) suggests that children whose parents spanked, slapped, hit or threw objects at them may have a greater chance of physically or verbally coercing a sexual partner, engaging in risky sexual behavior or engaging in masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking.

So in this study they lumped parents who lovingly and carefully spanked their children in with those who “slap, hit, or threw objects at them.”  There is a WORLD of difference between a controlled, loving, clearly-explained spanking and an impetuous slap, hit, or throwing of an object at a child.  The first is careful, loving discipline, the second is violence.  To lump them all together as the “same thing” is not only unfair, it is biased toward a certain outcome.  That’s NOT good science.  In any study or evaluation on a scientific level, as much effort as possible is to be given to making all things equal.  In this case, the trouble was not taken to do so.

I can assure you, the outcome of the study would be FAR different if they made an individual category for children whose parents lovingly, carefully, and in a clearly controlled way, spanked their children.  It takes a bit more work to do this, because you have to interview those who were spanked to find out what “kind” of spanking it was.  Was it purely a fit of rage on the part of the parent?  Was it unclear or ambiguous to the child as to why or how a spanking would come?  Or was it a controlled, carefully-explained discipline done in love that the child clearly understood?  The first two deserve to be lumped in with those who hit, slap, or throw things at their child.  The last is light-years away from them.

Admittedly, headlines are designed to draw a reader in… to be enticing and provocative.  That’s not going to change.  What that means for the discerning parent and Christian is that they have to do the work of CAREFULLY READING, AND THINKING through the content of the article instead of taking the assertions of such a headline wholesale, as “truth.”

Living a wise life is hard work… and if parents (people in general) don’t get used to that fact and take it seriously, we’ll continue to slide into a very unwise mode of thinking, and have little impact on the world we live in for the good.

Can you spank your child while angry? – (To spank a child – part 6)

This is the final post in this series, “To spank a child,” though I’ll no doubt write on the subject again in the future.  My intention has not been (contrary to some accusations) to encourage others to mistreat their children, but rather to encourage people to consider that perhaps God’s instructions in the Bible, about spanking as a form of loving discipline, are indeed best.  I believe they are His gift to us as parents and also a gift to our children.

The MAIN REASON this is such a volatile issue is that we have developed into a culture of “reactors” – people who see a legitimate problem such as child abuse, and instead of thinking it through logically and considering the specifics of each individual situation, they ”react” to it with emotionalism and illogic, and consider anyone who uses any form of corporal punishment to be an abuser.  That is simply not the case, and is very unfair to many parents who lovingly discipline their children according to the Biblical guidelines for spanking.

One component of that “reaction” mentality is the issue of anger.  I’ve heard it said a million times if I’ve heard it once, “You should NEVER discipline your child while you are angry.”  The assumption behind the statement is that if you do discipline while you are angry then you will inevitably wind up abusing your child.  I disagree with that assumption and I disagree with the statement.

I believe that as we are to have a healthy and proper fear of the Lord, our children should have a healthy and proper fear of us.  That doesn’t mean that every discipline issue needs to be packed full of anger.  That’s not what I’m saying at all!  But there are times, when our child has done something or made a choice that is SO contrary to what is right that we SHOULD respond with an appropriate amount of anger toward their action.  An example should help…

One of the big offenses in our household is lying.  We don’t tolerate it because integrity and honesty are the only things that make a person worthy of trust in the eyes of others.  If a child’s words cannot be trusted then the child cannot be trusted.  We want our children to be trustworthy.  It’s the best thing for them to learn to be so.  As a result of that belief, when we come upon a situation where we have learned that a child has intentionally lied (whether for self-protective reasons or greed, or whatever) we will respond with a good amount of anger.  We are angry at many things – at the child for choosing the wrong thing, at the harm lying will do to them if it is carried out over a long period of time, over the deception that has taken place, etc.  The child needs to see that we are angry about their sin.  If they don’t they will get the idea that lying really isn’t that big of a deal and is O.K. under certain circumstances.  But the truth is, it is NOT O.K. – EVER.

Being angry at something like this is one thing, remaining “in control” while being angry is another.  Scripture tells us that we should not sin when we are angry.  So any response to a child that is sinful (out-of-control spankings or other out-of-control hitting of the child, verbal abuse, throwing things) is wrong and should not be done.  But a spanking given when a parent is angry is not automatically wrong.  If the parents is in-control of their actions, then the spanking can still be administered in a proper way.

Some guidelines:

  1. Much of the expression of appropriate anger should be done in the conversation surrounding the spanking.  The child needs to hear the anger in your voice (again, not verbally abusing or berating the child), they need to understand WHY you are so upset (so explain it to them on their level), they need to see the long-term impact of their actions if they were to continue.  You need to communicate these things with passion and anger where appropriate.  Your child needs to know the seriousness of the offense and know that a spanking is coming as a result.  They need to have a “fear” of doing that action again.  That’s part of what helps them to learn the appropriateness or inappropriateness of their own behaviors.  If it upsets mom or dad, then they will learn quickly that it is not an appropriate action.  That however, requires that mom and dad are only getting angry at things that merit that kind of response.  Don’t fly off the handle at any little thing.  Reserve the expression of your anger for those issues that are character damaging or harmful to others.
  2. Set a limit:  In our home, a spanking consists of 3 firm swats.  Never more.  Seldom less.  We have set a limit by which we as parents can be held accountable (by each other).  This way there is no possibility of out-of-control anger being expressed at the child’s expense.  3 swats is enough to communicate the discipline without abusing the child.
  3. Be aware of your own history.  If you were abused as a child, or if you have a history of angry outbursts, then it may be wise to set a more stringent standard for yourself.  I would never encourage you to avoid spanking your child altogether – that would be ignoring the Bible’s encouragement toward spanking, but I would caution you, as an individual with those kinds of issues, to make sure you don’t spank when you are angry (not everyone, just people with this kind of history).  Go back to the first guideline and express the anger verbally (again, not abusively) and then carry out the spanking when you are more in control of your emotions.  And, by the way, figure out how to deal with your angry outbursts, etc.

Don’t be afraid of your anger.  Anger is a tool God has given us to indicate when something has gone wrong, or to show us that an injustice has been done.  Figure out why you are angry and respond accordingly.  If you are angry because you’ve been irritated or inconvenienced, then you need to deal with that – it’s not your child’s fault.  But if you are angry because your child has lied, mistreated someone else, disrespected you or another authority, cheated, stolen, etc. then allow your anger to fuel your discipline in a constructive way.  Your kids will learn the lesson faster if they see your righteous anger at the wrong they have done.  When you fear your anger, you will tend to water it down so much that your child doesn’t understand the seriousness of their misbehavior, deceit, disrespect, etc.  Then, you are doing a disservice to your child.

Who’s an “expert” on spanking now? – (To spank a child – part 5)

I didn’t plan on addressing this angle, but feel that I must…

I’ve had quite a number of responses in the past few days to my posts on spanking.  I honestly didn’t expect this would be such a topic of contention – though I’m not so naive as to think that there is no opposition to it.  But I’ve had quite a few comments made, in opposition to spanking, that I’d like to respond to for the benefit of everyone (I know not everyone wades through the comments)…

1. Some have appealed to the “experts” – like the American Pediatric Association – which does not advocate spankings and in doing so appeals to research that supposedly shows that spanking is not as effective as other forms of discipline.

  • Since when do Doctors in Medicine know about the heart/soul/spirit of a child, and what is most useful in guiding it?
  • In their research: what is considered “effective?” Are they merely concerned with behavior modification (my suspicion) or are they speaking of truly training and changing the heart motives of the child? (my concern)
  • In their research: What “type” of spankings were in question?  My guess, which is fairly safe, is that they did not study children/parents where the type of spanking I’ve outlined was used.  Most of the problem in research involving spanking is that they are studying situations where only the physical act is in question.  There is so much more that goes into a PROPER spanking than THAT.
  • Finally, what makes a person an “expert” in this area?  Do they have to have kids, or a Bible education, or simply an advanced degree of some type?  I have to admit I’m a bit hesitant to take someone’s word for the spiritual and personal well-being of my kids just because they have spent time in a medical school.  I’d rather lean on the wisdom of the ages (and the God of the ages) as recorded in the scriptures.

2. Others have appealed to the scriptures in trying to equate spanking with things such as incest, murder, stealing, larceny, etc. in terms of it’s offensiveness. (Believe it or not)

  • The Bible does mention these things in accounts of events that happened – but there is no RATIONAL way you can show that the Bible condones such practices.  Just because the Bible mentions something does not mean it is advocating it.  In fact, there are numerous instances where such behaviors are condemened outright – there’s no ambiguity.
  • On the other hand, spanking as a form of child discipline is CLEARLY advocated in scripture and is spoken of in a positive light – IN EVERY CASE.

3. Some have considered spanking “violence” since it involves hurting a child.

  • A dictionary definition of violence: acting with or characterized by uncontrolled, strong, rough force. 
  • Notice that first descriptive word: uncontrolled.  Time and time again I’ve said that a spanking, properly administered, HAS TO BE CONTROLLED.  Don’t let yourself be fooled by people who play with the meanings of words.
  • Violence also involves a malicious or harmful intent.  
  • Spanking is intended to be helpful, and is aimed at curbing not only wrong behavior but wrong attitudes.
  • By such silly reasoning we could construe vaccines, surgery, physical therapy, etc. to be “violent” as well since they involve pain too.  As most reasonable people can see – that’s silly – so is the argument that spanking is violent.

4. Some have appealed to Jesus’ silence on the issue as “proof” that He would not advocate spanking.

  • Jesus did not speak on many issues during His time on the planet (democracy, vaccines, vitamin supplementation, etc.), so should we infer that those too are areas He would not condone?  You can’t make a reasonable argument from the silence of Jesus (or anyone else) on this issue - it’s foolish to think you can…  If Jesus didn’t metion it, all that means is that He didn’t mention it!

5. Finally, some have said that this topic is a “fetish” with me.

  • The dictionary definition to which they are referring is this: any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion.
  • By that definition, my fetish is not with spanking, but with the God who gave it and condones it.  If He (the God of all that is) says spanking, properly administered, is the way to go, then that’s the way I’m going to go.

That leads me to my bottom line in all of this… as a Christian I am bound to follow what scripture teaches, clearly and positively, as the way God instructs me to live my life – because it IS God who I’ve given the control of my life.  That includes the raising of my children.  I don’t have the option of appealing to “experts” (who typically aren’t) or well-intentioned (and I mean that) people.  I only have one option – to do what God says and to do it, as Jesus DID clearly teach, with love as my motivation.

I can’t allow ignorance, fear, or hype to cloud my judgment on an issue such as this.  I can’t allow a potentially well-meaning, but ignorant cultural mindset to lead me away from God’s REVEALED truths.  The way I look at it is this:  WHY on earth would I want to trade the wisdom of God, for the “wisdom” of 1000 or even 1 million human experts?  To me, that’s a no-brainer…  My children are loved, healthy, and strong because of that conviction – and I’ll continue to stand on it.

Again, I DO NOT CONDONE CHILD ABUSE!  Children are to be loved and cared for and respected for the unique and wonderful gifts they are!  But part of that love is guiding them into self-control and respectful attitudes and behaviors.  Spanking, DONE RIGHTLY, does that.

What age is appropriate to begin spankings? (To spank a child – or not? – Part 4)

Many people have this question – and it’s a very important one.  Nobody wants to do harm to their children… and applying a spanking before it’s able to do any good could do exactly that.  So what is the appropriate age for spankings to begin?  Here’s some pointers I’ve seen be helpful…

When “safety” is the issue – I believe a form of spankings (a slap on the hand, etc.) can begin as soon as the child is able to get into trouble of their own free will.  Case in point: I’ve seen this so many times and it’s actually kind of funny after the fact.  The child goes toward the electrical outlet, and I can tell where they are headed.  I watch to make sure, and just like I thought they begin reaching toward it.  I call out from the other side of the room, “NO!  No touching!”  They stop, look at me (sometimes they don’t, you know… “Maybe he’ll believe I didn’t hear him…”), and then slowly turn back toward the socket while slowly raising their hand again.  I say it again, more firmly this time.  Again, they may stop, they may not.  At the point that I’m pretty certain that they KNOW what I’m talking about and they CONTINUE to move toward the outlet (which doesn’t take long), I’ll go over, slap their little hand, and say “NO!  No touching! Owie!”  They get the point, they cry, they can’t believe their wonderful daddy has just done such a horrific thing.  But like most situations where a human being has to learn wisdom, they also don’t realize the horrible thing daddy’s little hand-slap may have saved them from.

Many parents will simply take the child away from the forbidden object, or remove the object from their sight.  I believe that is doing a dis-service to the child, not allowing them to learn self-control, which we all so desperately need.  Many others use the safety plug things to prevent the holes in the outlet from showing and to prevent an accident (or cabinet latches, etc.).  We could debate the appropriateness of those all day, and I’d never tell someone that it’s “wrong” to use them.  But I can tell you this – if you properly discipline your child regarding outlets, you don’t need those things.  They’ll learn self-control and obedience in that area with firm, consistent discipline – and it won’t take very long.

Some points to consider about this scenario that may be helpful in determining how “ready” your child is for this kind of discipline:

  • The child couldn’t even speak yet, they were only crawling.  So communication skills or “higher reasoning” abilities don’t have to be fully functional yet.
  • YET they had the ability to recognize that there was something we were attempting to stop them from getting/doing.  (In other words, they recognized the prohibition).
  • They chose to go against the prohibition (call it what you want: rebellion, disobedience, willfulness, stubbornness, strong-will, but the fact remains that they had the ability to go directly against what the parent was instructing).

All of these are indications that a spanking is appropriate…

When the parents want something to be “off limits” – Many people child-proof their homes, taking breakables or keepsakes off the lower shelves, out of the reach of little hands.  They remove plants, etc. from the reach of a child.  We chose, in order to teach our children obedience and self-control, to leave those things in place and endure the pain of discipline (on our side and theirs) for a short time.  When consistent, it doesn’t really take very long.  There are two main reasons we chose to do this:

  1. We want our children to be able to handle the world the way it is.  People will not typically make adjustments for our kids to make life easier for them.  That’s just how the world is.  When you try to fashion the world to make life easier for your kids, you get spoiled kids, not responsible ones.  We want our kids to learn to be flexible, to learn to be respectful of other people’s ways, to learn to be responsible.
  2. We want our children to learn self-control or self-discipline.  We all know that this is one of the largest struggles the American population has.  Our culture doesn’t believe in denying yourself anything.  But think about it:  Exercise, diet, health, education, employment, and many other things DEMAND self-discipline in order for you to be successful at them.  When a child learns to discipline themselves from the very early years of life, life goes much better for them.

So in answer to the question, “At what age is it appropriate to begin spanking?”  I’d say this:

  • When the child understands that something is forbidden or off limits. (Don’t underestimate your kids, they are sharp!)
  • When they exhibit a willfulness against those boundaries.

So regarding age, when do these apply?

  • Most 2 year olds, even early in their twos fit both of these criteria.  Why do they call it the “terrible twos?”  Because that is exactly WHEN they are learning to exert their will against that of their parents (and everyone else in some cases).  It’s the IDEAL time to begin teaching them self-discipline and respect for others through appropriate spankings.
  • An exception to the 2-year-old guideline is in the instance of a safety issue like I mentioned before.  Children who can crawl are much younger than 2, but still need that slap on the hand for their protection.
  • Most teens fit these criteria as well.  Some feel that the humiliation of a spanking is too juvenile for a teen… that it doesn’t fit.  While I agree that as a parent you want to walk a very fine line between unnecessary humiliation and healthy humility when it comes to teens – the healthy humility HAS to be there!  One of the areas that makes parenting a teen so difficult is that they are very prone to becoming TOO proud of their ever-growing capacities for thinking, acting, etc.  They want to grow up too fast, most of the time when they are not ready to handle the adult responsibilities that come WITH growing up.  A proper spanking will sometimes bring them back into reality to help them see that they are still the child, still learning, still growing, still under your guidance.  Don’t disregard this important aspect of the process.

What is a “spankable” offense? (To spank a child – or not? – Part 3)

In this continuing series of posts (you can see the beginning here) I’m discussing the understanding and application of spanking as a form of discipline…

If you’ve not read the post right before this – you really should so you know how we are defining a “spanking” – you can find it here.

One of the problems my wife and I have run into time and again with our 5 kids, is deciding when a spanking is appropriate and when some other form of discipline is better.  It’s a tough call at times and is ALWAYS determined by the situation – in most cases.  Having said that, there are a few things that my wife and I always-without-fail-until-the-world-ends spank for.  They are…

  • Lying – My wife said an interesting thing to one of my children a few days ago when we were dealing with a lie that had been told.  I was stunned by the profoundness of her comment.  She said something like this, “Life is about words… words are what relationships are based on.  If your words are not truthful and trustworthy, then your relationships will suffer.  Your words MUST be full of truth in order for your life to be right.”  That’s pretty powerful.  Behind her statement is this reality: God Himself is all about truth.  If we are going to raise children who know how to be truthful people, then lying has to have a firm consequence.  I know, I know, it’s natural for kids (and adults) to lie.  But that’s only because we are not God (only?)… Our desire as Christians is to be an imitator of God – so we have to take lying seriously.
  • Blatant disobedience – if we’ve given an instruction to one of our children, no matter how minor of a task it was, and they deliberately or obstinantly defy us by refusing to obey that instruction, then we spank.  God takes rebelliousness pretty seriously.  He banished Adam and Eve from the garden because of it.  Even before that He cast Lucifer out of heaven for it.  Look throughout the scriptures… people like Moses, Abraham, David, Peter, even Paul were disciplined pretty severely at times because of an attitude of rebelliousness toward God.  REMEMBER, our relationship with our kids is a “model” for their relationship with God (flawed as it is).  We’ve got to show them that rebellion, toward us and God will not be tolerated at all.
  • Disrespect toward us (the parents) - God’s two main commands to kids are to obey their parents (we remember that one most of the time) and to honor their parents (oops, forgot that one…).  I’ve written on this more fully elsewhere.  If our children are showing disrespect toward us (tone of voice, rolling eyes, argumentative attitude, HUGE sighs when instructed to do something, whining/complaining attitude, “awww dad…..”) or anything that even smells like disrespect, they will receive a spanking.  Again, go back to our relationship with God.  He is to be feared – and respected.  Our children need to learn that without exception they are to honor their parents – because that’s how they will learn to honor God.
  • Intentional harm to another person – If one of our kids intentionally harms another person (a sibling is usually the target of choice), without sufficient cause (self-defense, etc.) we will spank them.  Jesus’ two biggest commands were to love God with all we are and to love other people.  Violent or hurtful behavior toward others cannot be allowed.  I hear parents quite often talking about  how their kids “fight like cats and dogs” or how they just can’t seem to get along.  My contention is this:  Mom and Dad have assumed they would get along (after all – they ARE siblings) instead of teaching them the importance of loving each other – practically.  And Mom and Dad have not required/demanded/insisted on kindness and consideration toward each other.  A firm spanking, immediately upon such an offense will curb that tendency rather quickly.  You’ll have to watch out for the behind-the-scenes, passive aggressive stuff for a while and address that too – but over time such animosity will fade away – PROVIDING you are doing some teaching about what the Bible says about such behavior along with the spankings, and work hard to get to their hearts.  Now I know some will say, “So you address violence (their hitting) with violence (a spanking)?”  Sounds logical but in reality it’s a ridiculous statement and here’s why… violence and spanking are worlds apart.  Violence has, at it’s root, a desire to harm or bring damage to another person.  Spanking has, at it’s root, a desire to correct and direct a child.  The two are about as similar as night and day.
  • Foolish actions that can possibly cause harm to them or others – I wrote an example of this in this post.  If a child is rushing toward some harmful situation in an utterly oblivious/foolish manner (running into the street, reaching for a hot pan, sticking something into the electrical socket) a spanking is part of what teaches them not to be so foolish.  Better for them to be spanked than to be hit by a car, etc.  A little pain that instructs, rather than a lot of pain that might ruin their life.  It’s a very fair – and LOVING trade-off…
  • Other situations – these are the foundational ones, but there are other situations where we might administer a spanking as the Spirit of God leads.  I’m sure we’ve made some bad calls on this in our years of parenting, but overall I don’t think we’ve overdone it very often…

There have been a number of times that our family has been in a public setting and we’ve been complimented on the obedience, respect, and overall consideration our kids exhibit.  I attribute that fruit to the wisdom of God - in giving us the tool of a good spanking.

There have also been times when we’ve been in a public setting and there is some other kid who is practically tearing the place apart.  It’s happened more than once where one of our younger children (4 to 6) will turn to one of us and say, “That boy needs a spanking.”  From the mouths of babes…

What’s a “good” spanking like? (To spank a child – or not? – Part 2

Many adults were never spanked and others were abused.  So I understand how it can be very difficult to know what a “good” spanking should be like.  I’m going to give you some quick guidelines we’ve learned that keep you from underdoing it (not really disciplining effectively) or overdoing it (abusing your child).  Here we go…

  1. Make sure love and concern are at the heart of your discipline – Motivation is everything.  Why are you spanking in the first place?  Is it because you are irritated or put-out personally?  Then hold off on the spanking until you get your attitude straight.  Are you spanking because you are upset at the sin of your child?  Then continue.  That’s a loving response.  You want to help them, guide them, enable them to move into the realm of self-control so that their urges and spontanteous desires don’t control them.  That’s behavior that honors God.  And that’s a good motive for physical discipline…
  2. Use a “rod” or something similar (in a normal, applied-to-the-rear-end situation)- We typically will use a “rod” (the handle of a wooden mixing spoon) when giving a spanking.  It’s not heavy enough to damage the child, but is firm enough to give a healthy sting.  We’ve found that when the rod comes out, the kids begin to realize the seriousness of their offense… and the seriousness of our concern to curb their attitude or behavior.  There are ocassions where the rod is not available and we have to improvise.  Your hand will do in a pinch…  In a situation where something needs to be done right away (a small child sticking something in the electrical outlet) don’t take time to go get the rod… swat them then and there.  For small children, a slap on the hand or swat on the fleshy, fat part of their thigh will get their attention quickly…
  3. Sooner rather than later – Don’t let too much time pass between the offense and the spanking, especially with smaller children.  Their memories are not all that good yet, so they need to be able to associate the spanking with something that has recently occurred.  Another aspect of this, with all children, is that the “shock value” of a swat or spanking that comes immediately after an offense will help to communicate the “no nonsense” attitude you have about what they’ve done.  They know you mean business - and there’s nothing ambiguous about it.  You won’t become one of those parents who counts to 3 or threatens or draws things out.
  4.  Make sure the offense is clearly understood – Depending on the age of the child you have to go about this in different ways.  With very small children – a firm “NO” when pointing to the electric outlet will do most of the time… and do this as you swat their hand, and afterward when you are comforting them.  With older children, you will need to talk about it to make sure they understand.  If they are disciplined but don’t know why, you’ve pushed them toward embitterment, not wisdom.  What I suggest is that you talk BRIEFLY about the offense to lay the groundwork, then have the spanking, then talk more extensively about it afterward as you comfort/hold the child.  Speak to the reality of the issue.  Things like, “You did a bad thing…” aren’t sufficient.  You need to say, “YOU hit your brother… that means YOU were not being loving to Him and God wants YOU to love YOUR brother (see how it’s personal?).”  Kids don’t always put 2 and 2 together, so we have to make sure they see the REALITY of what they actually did.  Their self-esteem will be able to handle it if you follow up properly… which leads to the next point…
  5. ALWAYS follow up with comfort and reassurance – Once the actual discipline is over take them immediately into your lap or hug them (depending on size of the child).  They need to know that this offense has not permanently divided them from you.  They need to know your love in a tangible way that they more easily recognize (even though the spanking is an act of love itself, they won’t immediately see it as such).  Hold them close like this as you talk about the issue.  Hold them close as you reassure them of your love and your confidence that with God’s help, they can change this kind of behavior.  Don’t downplay what they did – it is not “alright.”  They sinned.  But they are repenting and can move on with the help of God and you, their loving parent.  On another note: Often parents will say to me, “Spanking just doesn’t seem to work with my child…”  and when I probe a bit deeper, I find out that they are administering the spanking and then walking out of the room.  Your child will begin to question your love for him if you do this…. he’ll become angry and obstinant instead of teachable.  He’ll begin to see himself in opposition to you instead of the two of you being on the same side.  Take the time to stay and comfort/reassure your child.  You’ll see the effectiveness of the spanking increase. 
  6. Require effective apologies – if the offense was toward another person, have them apologize.  Don’t allow them to say, “I’m sorry…” with their eyes turned down and a timid voice.  Chances are that they really aren’t if that’s the case.  Have them look the other person in the eye and say SPECIFICALLY why they are sorry.  “I’m sorry that I hit you.”  Some feel that this is too humiliatiing, but it’s actually the completion of the process of repentance -making things right with those who were hurt. It’s also a healthy and appropriate dose of humility – teaching a lesson about admitting your own wrongs…
  7. Make sure it hurts – What use is physical punishment if the child has no reason to avoid it next time?  I’m not saying you beat your kids black and blue, but I am saying that it needs to smart enough to make them think a second time before committing that sin again.  Sometimes a mom with a heart-the-size-of-Texas feels so sorry for her kid and is so sad about having to spank him that she’ll just give him a little “love tap” instead of a real spanking.  I understand the sympathy – but what she probably doesn’t understand is that she’s taking it easy for HER SAKE, not his.  It’s actually doing damage to her child by teaching him that the consequences for his wrong actions aren’t so bad that he should avoid doing the wrong behavior next time.  This too can be the heart of the problem when people tell me, “I’ve tried spanking – it just doesn’t work on my kid…”
  8. A spanking should always be “controlled.”  – There is no excuse for a 200 pound man to be wailing away uncontrollably at a 65 pound kid!  That’s abuse, not a spanking.  You need to be in full control of yourself when you spank your child.  Let’s not be naive – you can be hopping mad at your kid for a very legitimate reason when it comes time to spank.  So how do you avoid going overboard?  Do you decide “I just won’t spank when I’m angry”?  I don’t think that’s healthy or right.  Your children need to see your anger at their sin (not at them personally) in order to get a full-blown picture of the wrong they have done.  God gets angry at sin (and He let people see it all throughout scripture), so why shouldn’t we?  Here’s what we do:  We set a limit for ourselves.  For us, a spanking consists of 3 firm swats (see the previous point) - never more, never less.  We hold each other accountable, we let our kids know it will ALWAYS be 3 swats, we hold ourselves to it strictly.  We understand that NONE of us is ”above” beating our kid instead of spanking them… so we put up a safeguard to prevent us from doing so.

Please hear me again – there’s no sense in which I am advocating abuse.  Children have a right to be treated fairly and with justice.  A loving spanking is not abuse.  It is a motivator toward right attitudes and behavior that will serve the child for the rest of their life.

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To spank a child – Part 1

I know this is a hot-button topic.

I also know it’s been blogged/written/discussed to death.

But even more than those, I know that it’s Biblical (I might as well get that out right off the bat…) and therefore is applicable to parenting, no matter the era.  So today I’m going to tackle the passages that indicate spanking is a viable resource in the parenting toolbox…

What I’d like to do is begin a discussion.  This will undoubtedly be part 1 in a series of posts over the next few weeks.  In future posts, I’ll cover issues like these… (if you are reading this after the fact, you’ll most likely be able to click on the titles below for links to those posts… if not, sorry – I don’t do time-travel…. yet…)

For now, let’s delve into the scriptures…  (I’ll try not to make this too long and laborious…)

I’m going to start out with a few that refer to discipline/correction in general because I think they set the context for appropriate physical discipline/correction….

 Proverbs 1:7 -  The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Without being too critical, I have to say right off that this verse makes be think of the non-spanking advocates – at least the ones who are the most loudly outspoken.  They seem to not only despise the idea of spanking, but of correction in general.  I could be misinterpreting what I’ve read, but they seem very much to be libertine in their thinking.

Now, on to the actual passage – it begins highlighting the importance of healthy fear as it relates to God and the discipline process.  Fear of punishment/consequences is a very important part of what prohibits wrong behavior.  We can’t really hope to discipline properly if we, the parents, don’t have a proper fear of the Lord and if we are not helping our children to gain the beginnings of that fear also.  I wrote at length about this a few days ago and it may be helpful if you read my take on how this relates to parenting.

Proverbs 3:11-12 - 11 My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, 12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Some very pertinent points here…

  • Discipline is meant to be an act of love – when it comes from God or from a parent.  Parents have to be very careful here in determining their own motives.  I have to confess there have been times when I’ve rushed into a discipline situation with one of my kids, not simply because they did wrong, but because I was personally hurt/embarrased/inconvenienced, etc.  It had more to do with what the outcome was on me (a punitive, selfish response) than it did with the wrong that was done.  Be careful to know your own motives, parents…
  • Contrary to popular belief, a parent can still delight in their child and be very attentive to discipline too.  Discipline actually flows out of our delight in our children – we care for them so much that we are correcting their wrong/unsocial/unkind/inconsiderate behavior.  For their good and the good of those they will encounter throughout life.

 Now come the passages that actually speak of the “rod” or spanking…

Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

There’s a great debate about whether “rod” refers to an actual physical form of punishment or whether it is simply a figurative term meaning discipline.  I have to honestly say that in terms of literary style, it could be used figuratively in this and the following passages.  HOWEVER – Hebrew literature is typically much more clearly figurative when it employs that device.

For instance – Proverbs chapter 5  lays out the perils of seeking after an “adulterous woman.”  It uses the following terms to make the point of the danger that is involved: “her lips drip honey and her speech is smoother than oil,” “her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave.”  These are clearly illustrative or figurative because honey, oil, death, the grave, etc. typically have nothing to do with relationships, sexual or otherwise.  They are thrown in for dramatic effect and illustrative purposes – it’s obvious.

Another example of this is in verse 15 – where speaking of the same issue it says, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.  Should your springs overflow in the streets, or your streams of water in the public squares?  Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.”  In the context, is Solomon really talking about water?  Not at all – he’s (very creatively, I might say) referring to a person’s own spouse as the well or cistern.  Bluntly, he’s saying to make sure you are sexually satisfied through the God-ordained relationship you already have (if you’re married) - not taking your “spring” out into the streets to a stranger (you get what he’s referring to, I’m sure).

So, regarding the passages that refer to the “rod” – you be the judge.  Did Jewish people of that day, in any way understand that a ”rod” had something to do with discipline?  Are pigs dirty?  Said another way, Is the word “rod” something outside of the normal context of disciplining a child that the author used to make a point?  Not at all – every Jewish reader of the day would understand that Solomon was referring to common knowledge about how discipline was administered.  It’s therefore not very likely that he intended “rod” to be taken figuratively…

What about cultural differences?  That was then, this is now.  Haven’t we become a bit more refined and educated about psychology and relationships?  Don’t we know a bit more than they did back then?  If you believe that the Bible is strictly of human origin, then I can see why you’d be willing to resign it to the archives.  But if you believe God had something to do with its compliation – then you need to rethink that thought.  If God put these things in there – then they are timeless, for any day or culture.

So what does Solomon say about the use of the rod?  It’s amazingly strong – if you don’t physically discipline your child, it’s equivalent to hating them.  Why would he say something so strong?  Clearly, parents who don’t spank their child could not be said to hate them?  Could they?  The point he’s trying to make is that physical discipline is THAT important.  It’s a very VITAL part of the discipline process.  It’s vital because it is effective – it teaches that actions have consequences and that all people (children or not) have to answer to someone higher… and if they refuse to, they will eventually be made to.  If you don’t believe it – just try not paying your taxes and see what happens.

None of this is said as a harsh, tyrannical statement – it’s just the reality of life, and more importantly the reality of life under God’s gracious reign.  He IS Lord over all and one day every person will see it and bow to that truth…  Receiving a spanking as a child is one of the first little baby-steps toward the realization of that truth… with many more to come.

Proverbs 22:15 - Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

What is folly?  Some translations call it “foolishness.”  It’s a natural part of being a child to be foolish - to do things without looking down the road a bit to see what the consequences might be.  It’s leaping before you look.  Part of the parent’s job is to teach their children, through various means, how to curb that foolish tendency; how to get it under control – because it is very dangerous.  Part of the way we parents are to do that is through the use of a spanking.  Let me explain by way of an example…

Children get excited when they play.  They lose all track of what’s going on around them.  If you’ve ever tried to call your son to dinner when he’s playing Nintendo, you know what I mean.  Once, when my son was very small, he was absorbed in a game of “ball” in the front yard.  We were having a great time.  Then the ball went bouncing into the street.  He went after it.  Despite my calls and stern voice, he kept running – a look of joy on his cute little face!  FOOLISHNESS!   His look of joy would soon be a look of terror if he were to keep running, because a car was coming down the road.  I ran out, yanked him up, and spanked him harder than I probably had to that point – all the while telling him, “NO going out in the street!  NO!  You will get hurt…”  Can you see that my application of a spanking was actually a response to his foolishness, and a loving action?  I’d rather have his little bottom be sore for a bit, and for him to understand why it was, than for him to be broken and bleeding in the street and be completely bewildered by it all.  In that case, he learned nothing, a tragedy was allowed, and his future was put in danger.  Would he have learned not to run into the street via that experience (if he survives, that is)?  Of course – but he could have learned it in a much more loving way through the spanking.

Proverbs 23:13-14 - Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

I have to laugh each time I read this because it so perfectly answers the concern of many opponents of spanking – and with a little twist of sarcasm, no less!  The verse is making the point that physical punishment is completely appropriate when administered properly.  Kids do not die or even receive abuse when spanking is done properly.  This kind of punishment is actually very instrumental in leading the child into the right paths.

Just a quick word for those parents who were abused themselves as children.  I know this whole issue is difficult for you.  It’s hard to even imagine what a “proper” spanking would be like, isn’t it?  I understand the struggle it is for you to even think about spanking your children after what was done to you – it only makes sense.  But just like there’s a world of difference between a person who uses a hammer to put nails in the wall and a person who uses a hammer to kill their next door neighbor – there’s a world of difference between what was done to you and appropriate spanking.  Don’t throw out the concept just because somebody once abused it in your life.  Step back, take a deep breath, and ask God to teach you what right spanking should look like – he’ll get you there in time.

Last verse…

Proverbs 29:15 - The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Wisdom is the opposite of foolishness – and we see it stated here that not only does it drive out foolishness when we properly spank, it also embeds wisdom into the hearts of our children in ways they will not forget.  The physical intensity of a spanking is part of what it is that engrains the lesson in the mind of the child.  It was the physical intensity of falling from a 30 ft. cliff when rock climbing one Spring that engrained the importance of using proper equipment into my head (no, I was not using any equipment when I fell – yes, foolish…).  I’ll NEVER make that mistake again.  And parents who love their children cannot wait for the natural consequences to happen – if they do, they will have a dead child (remember the car coming down the street)?  Spanking, properly applied, does bring wisdom – guaranteed…