Tagged: train your child

Christian Parenting Mistake #7 – “He’s just tired…”

Let me paint the scenario for you (it happened just today, so it’s pretty easy)…

My daughter is leaving Kindergarten with my wife and calling “good-bye” to her friends.  She says “Good-bye” and hugs one little girl, who is stiff as a board and says nothing.  Another of them who was walking away hand in hand with her mother, is called BY NAME – “Bye so-and-so!”  The little girl didn’t even turn around.  Her mother turned her around and said, “Say good-bye, so-and-so…”  The little girl scowled with her head down and refused to say anything.  The Mom then said to my wife, (here it comes)… “She’s just tired…”

Let me ask you a question… since when is it acceptable for ANYONE to intentionally ignore another person who is talking directly to them?  When adults do that we call it “RUDE.”  It’s frowned upon, and is clearly not loving or considerate to the person attempting to interact with them.

Yet, Christian parents (people who are supposed to be following Jesus’ teachings and teaching their children to do the same) repeatedly (and I mean REPEATEDLY) excuse the selfish, rude, and UNACCEPTABLE behavior of their own children with the “He’s just tired…” excuse.

Are our kids sometimes tired and therefore more prone to being cranky and selfish?  Absolutely!  It goes for adults too – (and probably describes me at least once a week)!  But since when is that a legitimate reason for bad, rude, inconsiderate behavior?  If I were to ignore you when you were talking directly to me, and then say, “I’m just tired…”, You wouldn’t buy it for a second!  Why do we allow it with our kids?!!???

Maybe it’s because we think, “They are just kids… they’ll learn in time…”  But the truth is (and experience bears this out), they WON’T learn it if YOU, the PARENT, don’t TEACH THEM why it’s wrong and what to do instead!  Many of the selfish, prideful, inconsiderate ADULTS of today are the result of such tragic parenting mistakes!  The only thing they learned is that when their emotions get the best of them, then they are excused from decent behavior.

As Christian parents we must understand that there is a two-fold responsibility on us as parents in areas like this.

  1. We need to teach our children that THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE BEFORE GOD (and us as their parents and God’s primary representative authority in their lives) to be filled and controlled by the Spirit of God – NO MATTER THE SITUATION (tired, frustrated, angry, fearful, etc.)
  2. That requires that WE as parents  REQUIRE appropriate behavior of them, even in public (as was the case at my daughter’s school today).  The fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians chapter 5 need to be flowing out of our children as young representatives of Christ!  It takes some appropriate discipline to bring this about (which many parents are afraid of – another of the many Christian parenting mistakes), but it can and SHOULD be done.

You may think, “My kid is just shy…”  The truth is that my daughter is naturally shy too – but my wife has been teaching her to be friendly to her friends – to be like Jesus EVEN THOUGH she is shy.  Shyness, like the other things mentioned, is not an excuse to be rude or inconsiderate.

My desire is not for parents to be “Drill Sgts.” to their kids, but to teach them the self-control and discipline needed to be loving, considerate CHRISTIANS in a world that knows very little about such things.

“She’s just tired…”   No, she’s just badly parented.

Dogs, Children, and Foolish Parents

This makes be SOOO angry! 

My wife was having coffee with a friend today.  The friend glanced out the window of the coffee shop and saw furniture being moved out of her Chiropractor’s office.  She said, “Oh, I hope he’s not quitting business.  He might have been forced to…”

She went on to tell this tragic / foolish / terrible story…

The Chiropractor was in the habit of having his dog at his office.  It was a gentle dog, had never caused any trouble, but had been adopted by the Chiropractor out of an abusive situation.  A customer had come into the Chiropractor’s office with her little girl.  The Chiropractor saw the little girl playing with the dog in a manner that wasn’t very safe.  She was getting it it’s face, holding it’s ears, etc.  He told her not to do that sort of thing because the dog didn’t like it.  She continued to do it anyway.  The Chiropractor warned her again – repeatedly.  She still persisted in her behavior.  All the while the mom, within earshot of everything, did nothing.

I don’t have to tell you the end of the story.  The dog eventually DID bite the little girl – right across her face.  My wife’s friend was alluding to a hope that the Chiropractor didn’t have to quit business because he was sued.

For the sake of clarity I have to say – dogs will be dogs.  They are animals.  They will bite when they feel intimidated, harrassed, or in danger.  No question.  But was the dog the one to blame in this situation?  I don’t think so… I think it was a very foolish mom who was to blame.  Let me explain…

I can only find a handful of options for why we continue to read about this sort of thing in the papers…

  1. The mom didn’t have the ability to control her daughter (an issue of bad parenting)
  2. The mom didn’t care to control her daughter (an issue of neglectful parenting)
  3. The mom had not taught her daughter a proper respect for animals and adults (another issue of bad parenting)
  4. Or a combination of these…

But like most of our lawsuit-happy culture, the Chiropractor was to blame, not the mom or the girl.

I’ve seen this sort of thing happen again and again.  People (or their children) do stupid things to or around animals and when the animal responds as animals are bound to do, they owner of the animal is slapped with a lawsuit.  Then I being to wonder, “Who’s more foolish?  Those who bring such tragedies on themselves and then sue, or the courts that find their lawsuit to be valid and rule in their favor?”  It’s certifiably insane how our society has devolved into an “Anyone-to-blame-but-me” mentality.

The moral of the story:  Parents – BE PARENTS!  It is your responsibility before God to control your children, teach them proper boundaries (for their own safety, if nothing else), and teach them respect for other people and their property (including their pets).  It may take a firm hand if you’ve lost ground with your child in this area.  It may take the dreaded “S” word (spanking – gasp!).  But the bottom line (no pun intended) is that your child NEEDS you to enforce healthy boundaries for them.  If you don’t, life eventually will. 

Weigh out the difference: Would you rather spank your child if needed and save them from consequences much more horrible than a spanking, or will it take a tragic circumstance, where YOUR child is the one injured, to make you wake up?!!???

Don’t worry so much about damaging your child’s fragile ego… be more concerned about damaging your child’s LIFE by allowing such foolish behavior to put them in harm’s way!  It’s the epitome of foolishness to expect that your child can behave any way they want to, simply because they are a child, and others should be liable for the results.  That’s unwise (foolish) parenting – at best.

Mom Anthem – and some thoughts

I’ve seen this video before – it really is funny!  While we can laugh at it because it’s all to familiar (either in our homes or in the homes we grew up in) it also communicates something about us parents that I think we have to be careful about (especially when it’s all crammed into 2 minutes and 55 seconds). 

Don’t let yourself develop a bad attitude about your kids! 

It absolutely kills me when I hear parents say stuff like, “I can’t wait until they are out of the house!”  or “Just wait until YOU have teens!”  I know, I know – there are difficulties in every stage and at times it can be very irritating and frustrating.  But that’s what we signed up for when we became parents!  That’s the heroic part of our jobs!  We get to take these immature and flawed individuals and raise them to be better – raise them to be Godly.  I wonder sometimes, why parents don’t understand that when their kids have bad attitudes toward them as parents, it’s often a reflection of the attitude the parents have toward the kids?????  God says kids are a blessing (and they are).  Yet many parents often think of them and treat them like a FILL IN THE BLANK (bother, curse, irritation, aggravation, problem, necessary evil, etc.).

Now that I’ve gotten all of that out of my system.  Have a good time laughing at this video…

Disastrous parenting – toddler edition

SCENE 1: Mom and toddler are visiting your home.  Said toddler is everywhere, all at once it seems.  Any item within reach, from knick-knacks to books to the contents of the kitchen cabinets (which said toddler knows how to open) are grabbed, banged, placed in her drooling mouth (she’s teething), or thrown across the room.

Mom’s reaction?  She says, “Janie, that’s a no-no.” - and DOES nothing about it.

SCENE 2: A group of moms and toddlers have gathered for a “playdate.”  It’s been ”O.K.” given the daunting task of conversing on an adult level while trying to keep 6 toddlers occupied, safe, and relatively free of toddler-sized-conflict.  As the first family attempts to leave, the toddler in question screws up his face, falls with a loud “thump” onto his diaper-cushioned bum, and screams pitifully at the top of his lungs while tears flow like a river.  You can make out these toddlerish words through his wails, “No WANNA go!  Nooooo!!!!!”  Mom bends over to her precious boy and says (in a voice remniscent of a fairy god-mother or female Santa), “It’s time to go Brandon…. say good-bye to your friends… didn’t we have fun?…. Look!  Katie is being good and getting on her coat!  Maybe when we get home we can have a treat!”  Then, looking to another mother who is nearby she says, “Oh… he’s SO exhausted!  I think somebody needs a nap!”

These are two of many scenarios that play out daily in the world of parenting.  Not uncommon.  Not exaggerated at all.  And they are examples of how I think today’s parents are not only doing a disservice to those around them, but ALSO handicapping their children for the future.  I’ll explain.

A parent’s job in the actual task of parenting is to “TRAIN” their children (Proverbs 22:6).  Training is undertaken to bring about some specified, tangible result (think of an Olympic athelete’s training).  In this case, the desired outcome is a respectful, Godly individual who has learned to revere and respect God first, authority second, and others third (notice that THEIR self-interest is not even on that list).  Practically, that means that their outward behavior shows that at the heart level they are repsectful, Godly, etc.  (Proverbs 20:11) A parent who wants to TRAIN their child toward this end is aware of the need of being in control of EVERY situation, no matter how inconvenient or embarrassing (we’re talking about toddlers here… the method will vary as a child gets older) so that they can TRAIN the child toward the desired end.

For some, this will take a complete overhaul or change of mindset.  You don’t think of yourself as authoritative in the life of your child (for many reasons, probably).  You want to be their “friend” not their parent.  You want to let them ”be themselves” and explore the world (not a bad thing, but most people, when being themselves are selfish and inconsiderate.  Is THAT the person you want your child to be?)  No matter what thinking you have on the subject, the reality is this:  YOU are the PARENT.  YOU know best what is in the interest for your child’s well-being both now (in the immediate, emotional moment) and in the future (the person you and God desire them to become).  In situations like the ones noted above, NO training was taking place – only accommodation, coddling, toleration of wrong behavior, and excuse making.  This DOES NOT benefit your child.  It only teaches them that THEY call the shots, not you (or God) – which is handicapping them for dealing with the realities of life.  The eventual result, in the best case, is that the child will grow up with a sense of entitlement and “I matter most” in their minds.

Many parents are pulling their hair out concerning how to handle their toddlers because they haven’t properly gone about training them how to behave properly.  But it’s not too late!  Toddlers, though very immature and full of energy, STILL need to be taught how to behave politely, properly, considerately toward others (a huge task, I know), and in a way that honors God!  It not only needs to be taught, but required of them!  Don’t underestimate them!  Don’t write things off because of their immaturity!  Don’t make excuses for wrong behavior (“He’s SO tired”)!  You CAN teach and train your child to be different, now, in all of these areas – and they CAN get it! 

And by the way, this is a LOVING act – not a harsh one!  It’s for their good and in the best interest of your family and an act of love toward the world you and your child live in!  It’s an act of kindness, a blessing you are providing them, a tool you are equipping them with.  You are giving them the priceless gifts of wisdom and self-control – two qualities sorely lacking in our “my-feelings-matter-most” world.  As a parent you HAVE to take a long view on this.  Try to look ahead to foresee what your toddler’s current behavior patterns will take him to as an adult.  Look at all the adults you know (maybe in your own home) who can’t do what’s right because their feelings of selfishness, entitlement, and personal inconvenience dominate them.  Is THAT the kind of adult you want your child to become?

I don’t write about this from a Pollyanna-ish perspective.  I have 5 kids – my youngest just exiting the toddler years.  I can tell you from experience that my kids were not exceptionally well-behaved or compliant from the womb.  I had strong-willed ones, stubborn ones, high-energy ones, ones that were smarter than me, manipulative ones, emotional ones – but by God’s grace they were all trained by the time they were 3 or 4 years old to be respectful of people and property, genuinely loving and thoughtful toward others, kind and sharing, and a true joy to be around.  They are not perfect, I am not perfect, and the process is not finished.  In fact, there are very clear areas we are dealing with, in each of their lives, even as I write.  But the point is this: it CAN be done with God’s help.  God has provided the wisdom, His Spirit, and the will for us to be GREAT parents who raise GODLY children.

I’ll cover much more practical stuff in future posts, but for now I’ll walk through the scenes above and tell you what should have been done.

SCENE 1: The parents (mom and dad) should begin at home, teaching Janie what is acceptable for her to handle and have at her age.  Certain things/areas should be off limits (electrical outlets, kitchen cabinets, jumping on furniture, for example) and enforced (swats, spankings, slap on the hand, etc.).  With loving consistency, Janie will learn quickly what is acceptable and what is not.  She should also be taught not to throw anything indoors – again, the consistent and immediate physical consequences will make the difference in whether or not this training “takes.”  In all of this the parents need to highlight that respectful and considerate behavior (define those words for your kids, on their level) makes Jesus happy.

Fast forward to the visit to a friend’s house.  Mom should discuss Janie’s behavior BEFORE they get there.  Remind her not to throw stuff, stay out of cabinets, etc.  Our children do remarkably well when we let them know what to expect, and what is expected of them.  Reiterate the importance of repsect for people and property.  Emphasize respecting others.  Upon arrival (until Janie is practiced at being respectful and considerate – in a general sense), mom should have some activity in hand (dolls, coloring book, etc.) that Janie can do while in the same room as mom.  This way mom is available to tell her “No” and give her a swat if she forgets her boundaries.  The main things that were wrong in scene 1 are that Janie didn’t know her boundaries and that mom said, “no” but never enforced it.  Janie knows that mom doesn’t REALLY mean it…

SCENE 2: Again, traning before the fact does wonders.  If Brandon had been told prior to arriving at the playdate that he would be expected to leave happily and obediently when mom called him, or else he’d receive a spanking at home, he would have been much more compliant (providing he really BELIEVES he’ll get the spanking when he gets home, which is an issue of prior consistency).  Again, stress how important respect for others, consideration, self-control are to God (yes, use the word self-control and teach your kids what it means, and that God’s Spirit desires to produce it in them in order to make God happy).

Once you arrive at the playdate, should he resort to the manipulative behavior of falling to the ground, crying, screaming, etc. – then mom is on the hook to make her authority respected.  A quick swat to the seat of the pants and a firm, “No, you do NOT cry and throw a fit when it’s time to go.  You say, ‘O.K. Mommy’ and then you come,” is what is needed.  Notice that not only was the wrong behavior defined, but a right behavior was given as well.  Our kids need to know what TO do, not only what not to do.  Some of the key things that were damaging in Scene 2 were: toleration of wrong behavior, attempts at distraction, comparison with other children, attempts at coercion, lack of immediate discipline, excuse making. 

More to come in the future… comments are welcome!

“Protecting” your kids

The over-protective mom or dad has become a stereotype in our culture.  It typically goes something like this…

Little Johnny is never allowed to do anything – really.  He might get hurt.  He might see something his little eyes can’t handle.  He might hear something that his little ears will not like or pick up some tone of voice that his mom and dad don’t want him to have.  He can’t play with other kids, cause they are a “bad influence.”  He can’t watch TV (with the exception of “Sesame Street”) – there’s too much bad stuff on there.  In fact, mom and dad may not even have a TV in the house, just to make sure.  There’s NO WAY he’ll be able to watch a movie at a friend’s house because mom and dad have to preview it first.  And if it’s rated anything more than “G” then he won’t see it – ever.  What happens to little Johnny?  He grows up knowing absolutely NOTHING about the world he lives in, except that it’s supposed to be perfectly comfortable and designed for HIM!  When he get out of the house, he’s in for a HUGE surprise, and often goes off the deep end or the cliff of morality for quite some time.

My characterization is extreme – I grant you that – though various parts of it are evident in the attitude of parents across the globe.  The desire is GOOD – REALLY GOOD!  Protect our kids, keep them safe, preserve the innocence and purity that is a wonderful part of childhood.  There’s nothing wrong with the desire to do that.  BUT…

I believe you can go overboard and not even know it.  You are doing your best to take care of and provide for your children and unknowingly are doing the very opposite – because you are not thinking it through from a perspective of wisdom.  Now please understand what I’m saying… when they are young (birth to 5) – they NEED to be sheltered from a lot of the ugly stuff of life (inappropriate movies/TV/music, foul language, adult-sized situations such as homosexuality, sex, etc.).  But as your kids begin to develop as a person and as an intellectually competent person (6 to 18) they NEED to begin learning about the REALITY of the world we live in, in age-apppropriate and progressively increasing ways.

I’m not saying they need to experience it personally in all situations or that you dump everything on them on their 6th birthday!  I am saying that they need to be taught (by YOU the parent) about the world, in a way that fits where they are in their development, and how to think about it and live in it in a Godly way. I don’t believe you should allow teenage Johnny to watch “R” rated movies with no supervision or parental approval.  I don’t think you should abandon all standards just because he’s “older.”  Neither do I condone the idea of “let him make is own way in the world.”  (How much more foolish could a parent be?)  But I do think that you have to figure out how to progressively teach him to adopt Godly standards as HIS OWN – and to apply them wisely.

A favorite parenting verse is “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.“  (Proverbs 22:6) The operative word is TRAIN.  It implies a plan.  It implies diligent thought and foresight (on the part of the parent).  It implies that you, the parent are intentional about guiding the child from the naive and innocent realm of childhood into the informed and mature realm of adulthood – and the greater assumption (since the verse is in the Bible) is that the maturity you are shooting for is a Godly perspective that flows from Godly wisdom.

I can give a few examples, right and wrong…

  • WRONG: 5 or 6 year old Janie’s parakeet “Tweety” died.  Mom and Dad found him stiff as a board one morning.  They flushed him – then told Janie that he got out of his cage and flew out the window  (after all, she’s too young to deal with a harsh reality like death, not to mention that those who are to be the example are perpetrating a lie for the sake of “sparing” their child.  That should tell us something right there!)
  • RIGHT: Mom and Dad take the opportunity to talk about the reality of death with little Janie through the opportunity affored by little Tweety’s demise.  They tell her what God says about death (and it’s NOT that parakeets go to heaven – don’t forget about the lying bit…).  They hold her as she cries.  They tell her what death is like for those who trust in Christ.  It’s much better for her to get a little experience under her belt saying “good-bye” to Tweety than it would be if the first time she had to face this reality was when Grandma, or Mom, or Dad died suddenly.  This way Mom and Dad are alongside, helping her know how to respond.  Helping her handle her emotions correctly.  Helping her humble herself under God’s sovereign choices about life and death.  She’s better off learning it early.  She’s better off learning it with loving and wise parents alongside to guide her.  That produces wise children.

 Here’s another…

  • WRONG: 8 year old Josh hears something from a friend about his 9th grade brother who was “making out” with his girlfriend.  When he asks Mom and Dad about it they tell him that the boy and his girlfriend were just talking, “making” some sense “out” of some issues.  (Afterall, he’s too young to learn about kissing, sex, etc. – once again, a lie…)
  • RIGHT: Mom and Dad feel that since Josh asked, and they try to be honest in all things, it’s time for him to know, in an approriate way for who he is and his development (Mom and Dad should be aware of what that level is better than anyone else).  So Mom and Dad give him a very basic idea of what “making out” is.  Kissing each other.  They tell him that it’s not appropriate for kids that age to be doing those kinds of things – because God tells us to flee from those kinds of things until we are married.  If Josh asks more questions (“Why would they do that?  Is it fun?, etc.) then Mom and Dad recognize that he’s ready to know a little bit more (and he’ll find it out a WRONG attitude and definition of it somewhere else if they don’t give him the PROPER understanding of it.)  So they tell him more.

Now for one with a kid a bit older…

  • WRONG: 12 year old Bobby is not allowed to watch a ”PG” or “PG-13″ movie that Mom and Dad saw solely because there is a guy in it who has a bad attitude and yells at God in frustration as he’s struggling through issues in his life.  They don’t want him to think that kind of behavior is “O.K.”  – and they surely don’t want him to pick up that kind of attitude or behavior himself, so they simply forbid him from watching it.
  • RIGHT:  Mom and Dad watch the movie with Bobby and pause at points to discuss what they are seeing.  They talk about how life is hard, even as a Christian.  They talk about the reality that all Christians have at least one time in their life where they feel just like the guy in the movie – a time where they don’t understand what God is doing in their lives, are disappointed, or are discouraged.  It’s not going to damage your kids to admit to them that Christianity is not a cure-all for the pains of the human condition!  IF they have you to walk them through a mature understanding of God’s faithful care IN SPITE of those hurts.  It won’t damage them if YOU are there to teach them how God uses the hard times and difficulties in life.  They need to learn from YOU that God’s ways are not our ways, they are higher.  YOU help Bobby understand that God works all things together for our GOOD, even the bad stuff.  YOU explain what a Godly response would be in a situation like the guy faced in the movie.  It’s better for YOU, the Mom or Dad to use a piece of fiction to help Bobby grapple with some life-long issues rather than avoiding it through overprotection as long as he’s under your roof – and then seeing him hit the ground in college and not know what to do when he feels angry at God for the first time.  That’s the fertile soil from which apostasy and prodigal-Bobbys grow.

What’s my point in all of this?  I’m addressing things I’ve seen happen in real parenting situations – things that I think are more than protecting the child – they are handicapping.  When we shelter our children too much, we don’t equip them, we don’t “train” them, we don’t come alongside them as we should and help them deal with life and the world that they are being raised in.  Instead, we shelter them inside a Christian bubble and refuse to let the harsh reality of this world touch them.  They grow up thinking they are confident and “ready” for life (and the parents think they are too) but they soon find out that when they hit the real world they are very ill-equipped.

Kids raised in an environment that is too sheltered respond in a variety of ways when they discover that they weren’t adequately prepared to live as Christians in a world that is corrupt.  Some get really angry and bitter toward Mom and Dad for sheltering them too much.  In their immaturity they lash out, saying that their parents were too “strict” when the reality is that they weren’t adequately prepared for life.  Others feel “cheated” and dive right into every experience they were denied the moment they are out on their own.  Still others struggle with panic attacks, stress problems, lack of self-confidence, timidity, etc.  The truth is that Mom and Dad, with the best of intentions, did them a terrible disservice.

We need to raise “wise” children – not sheltered ones.  We need to raise Godly, mature children, not ignorant, immature ones.  With God’s help, we can do so…

Your kids and their emotions

 You’ve been there.  You’ve seen it.  In fact, the entire grocery store saw it.  Some kid was sitting in the shopping cart (buggy, if you’re from Hawaii) and was screaming his head off.  When you looked to see what the adult in charge of this child was doing, you found a mom (or dad) who was going about their shopping as if nothing was happening (if you ignore it, it will go away….  RIGHT)…

This is one of many examples of how a kid, in the midst of an emotional moment (and we all have them), was allowed to simply go his own way – left to navigate the confusing, conflicting jungle of emotional chaos that we all feel from time to time, completely on his own.  I don’t think it’s right morally, or right for our kids – and I don’t think it’s Biblical.  Here’s my take on it…

Our kids come into the world with absolutely NO experience whatsoever.  They are the epitome of the word “novice.”  They don’t have clue #1.  Parenting is SUPPOSED TO BE the process of leading our kids, day by day, into ever-increasing realms of experience with wisdom, compassionate guidance, and competent instruction.   The way the scriptures describe it is that we are to “train up a child in the way he should go…“  Sometimes that is purely instructive, but at other times it requires the firm hand of discipline.

As Christians, that training is supposed to equip our child to be a Christ follower – someone who lives, thinks, acts, etc. in a manner that reflects positively on our Savior Jesus.  That means we should be instructing our kids, from the earliest points of their development, in the direction of Christ-like behavior.  So we could ask it this way, “If my kid is going to grow up to be a positive reflection of Christ, what are the attitudes, personal disciplines, and actions that I need to be leading him/her toward?”  One of the many answers to that question has to be that we need to be leading our kids toward an understanding and application of what the scriptures call the “fruit of the Spirit” (what the Spirit of God produces through us when He is allowed to have control of our lives).

The very last fruit that is mentioned is that of “self-control.”  That means that we are able to, willing to, and active in controlling ourselves  - something most of us, even as adults, don’t do all that well with.  We binge eat, drink too much, watch too much TV, yell too much, and have a hard time prying our fingers from the X box controller.  We don’t know much about self-control – we just do what is right in our own eyes.  So parents – there’s probably something we need to learn here too…

Go back to the kid in the grocery store.  What is the REAL problem (besides the fact that his mom is doing the absolute WORST thing for him at that moment)?  The real problem is that the kid has zero self-control.  Granted, he’s 4 years old – that’s pretty normal – but it doesn’t have to be.  But maybe more importantly is this question,

Q: “Why is he, at that moment, having such a hard time with self-control?” 

A:  Because he’s got a truck-load of emotions swirling around inside and he has no idea what to do with them.  He’s being bullied by them.  He’s never been shown what to do with them (mom and dad aren’t real good examples) and he’s never been taught what to do with them (you can’t teach what you don’t know).

 So how do you teach self-control to a 4 year old (or a 40 year old for that matter)?  For a 4 year old, it’s really not that hard – it takes consistency and a determination to do it – but it’s not hard.  What I’m about to describe is not child-abuse and it’s not an unreasonable insensitivity to his/her “feelings” (feelings aren’t the most important consideration in every situation, contrary to our culture’s beliefs) – it’s common sense.  Here’s what should happen…

From day one the parent needs to be a student of their child, learning about his/her personality, responses, etc.  What they’ll see is that even as an infant, their sweet little child will throw various little versions of a temper-tantrum (lack of self-control) because they don’t know any better.  At the appropriate age (different for each kid, but for sure by the time they are moving into the realm of their 2nd year), the parent has to begin clamping down on their natural tendency to be ruled only by their feelings…

So here’s an example:  Little Sammy is 2 years old.  He’s in the living room sitting next to little Becky from next door.  They are both happily playing until sweet little Becky reaches over and takes the toy that sweet little Sammy just put down.  Sweet little Sammy now becomes “Siren Sam” as he wails at the top of his lungs.  The two moms have been sitting there watching and chatting and they both see what happens.  Sammy’s mom says to herself, “Self… Sammy is having a problem with self-control and it’s causing him to give in to his emotions right now.”  (Of course, no mom is that technical and calm in a moment like this, but for the sake of expressing what the truth is in the situation…).

She calmly gets up, goes over to sweet little Sammy, firmly says “NO Crying!” and swats his diaper-covered little bottom or his fleshly little thigh (fairly firmly) at the same time.  His eyes will bulge, his face will express absolute disbelief that his dearest mother, provider of all, would ever do such a thing, and then he’ll probably start crying harder – only this time, not because he’s jealous over a toy, but because he’s been swatted by his mom (it’s become a relational thing between Sammy and mom at that point – more on that in a second).  At this point, mom should pick him up, lovingly hug him, and calmly say into his ear (above the clamor of his siren), “Sammy, you don’t cry when Becky picks up the toy… you play with another toy…”  And she continues to soothe him and direct him toward an appropriate response.

It won’t always be about toys, and it won’t always be convenient, but mom and dad have to continually do those types of things to teach little Sammy what are proper responses to upsetting circumstances and what are not.  Consistency and gently loving correction are key…

Notice a few things about the scenario…

  1. The swat is hard enough to make Sammy take notice (not a light little love-tap or a timid attempt).

  2. It’s administered on a part of his body that has extra cushion.

  3. Mom says “no” like she means it.

  4. Sammy’s secondary cry is not JUST because he got swatted, but also because it was his MOM who swatted him!  The relationship between the two of them is key in this.  Sammy, in his 2-year-old psyche will somehow get the idea (and don’t think that he doesn’t) that if the kind of behavior he just did is going to bring a distance between him and his mom – he doesn’t want that!  It’s similar to how our sin offends our holy God… it causes a distance, and we don’t what that!  It’s a very important piece of the motivation…

  5. Mom not only tells him what “not” to do, but tells him what he “should” do (I can’t stress how important this is.  If we only tell our kids what not to do, they’ll have no other option and be confused).

  6. Mom comforts him during the correction (letting him know that she IS STILL his greatest, most super-specialist mom – in spite of the swat he just received).  This shows him that the distance between them doesn’t stay that way – there is always reconciliation available.

As a parent you CANNOT allow your kids’ emotions to rule them.  They will not only grow up to be miserable people, they will be miserable people for others to be around.  You, the adult, the one who has years of experience have to train your child, the one who has zero experience, how to handle the challenges of life -and emotions are one of the biggest.

Another example that may prove helpful.  You may not believe it when you read it, but this is what we do in our family – and it has proved immensely helpful to our kids (you could ask them)….

When we have to spank our kids for some reason, and we have precautions in place to ensure that any corporal punishment we administer is reasonable and controlled (I’ll write about that soon), naturally they cry.  That’s understandable, it hurts.  When they do, we hold them, comfort them, let them know that as parents it really does hurt us to have to spank them (though I don’t think it really has ever hurt me AS MUCH as it hurts them – sorry grandpa).  But we don’t allow them to scream or wail uncontrollably (un-control-ably, get it?  It’s the opposite of self-control).  That kind of reaction is not only a lack of self-control , it is also a form of disrespect, a form of rebellion against the discipline they’ve just received.  In order for discipline to be effective, they child has to be humbled under its influence.  So, we don’t allow our kids to respond with disrespect or rebellion.  When they do scream uncontrollably, we will quickly (a key) grab them up off the floor, or bed, or wherever they are, we will sit them firmly on our laps, and we will very firmly say, “NO screaming… it’s OK to cry, but no screaming!”

I have 5 kids – at this point they range in age from 4 to almost 16.  I guess you could say that I have or have had a kid in ”almost” every stage of childhood…  And please don’t hear me bragging – I’m just giving a testimony of what happens when we obey the principle God has laid down and intentionally “train” our children in regard to their emotions.  Somehow or other God gave us the ability to understand this process when our oldest was a baby.  We consistently (and admittedly, imperfectly) applied these principles of teaching them self-control and we have noticed that they are not your typical, bratty, I-want-my-way-now kids.  They’ve learned that they have to control themselves (their emotions and impulses in particular) because if they don’t, nobody else will.

Learning self-control at an early age makes the rest of life much more prone to joy – for them and for the people around them.  And it has huge repercussions into the teen and adult years.  For example…

  • When an emergency or crisis situation occurs, it’s the people with self-control who remain calm (because they are controlling their impulse to panic) and are able to assess the situation and take action…

  • When a person cuts them off on the highway, the person with self-control is able to let the offender drive on by, without endangering themselves or their passengers by acting rashly in anger…

  • The teenager who has learned self-control is not so prone to suicide, drug or alcohol abuse, or any of a number of other temptations they are sure to face – and that would destroy their lives.

  • The married person who has become practiced at self-control has a much greater chance of remaining faithful to their marriage vows rather than giving in to any urge, desire, or feeling, no matter how strong.

The way I’ve described to help your children learn self-control over their own emotions may not be the only way to do it – but I can assure you it works when applied consistently.  And keep in mind, you aren’t doing it out of anger at your kids, you are doing it because you are angry to think what your kids will become if they are allowed to be so out-of-control.  Do you know any out-of-control adults (emotionally or physically)?  Guess what their parents didn’t teach them…

Reality parenting

My wife and I have been talking about parenting issues for some time - it’s one of our largest areas of joint interest.  We’ve talked a lot about the way God has led us to parent from what we understand the scriptures to be saying and we’ve coined the phrase “Reality Parenting” to describe the way we raise our kids.  Let me explain…

We believe that our job as parents is to teach our kids how to deal with the world – as it is- from a Godly perspective.  It’s a disservice to our kids to smooth things out for their “benefit,” or to hide the way the world is from them.  Our job is to help them by teaching them HOW to handle the world the way it is.  Let me give you a few examples…

 Say our 4 year old girl’s hamster dies.  We have a couple of options in how we could deal with this.

  1. We could lie and say the hamster got out of his cage and ran off. (probably much easier for US)
  2. We could tell her that the hamster died and help her deal with her grief in a way that honors God and helps her gain strength for what lies ahead. (not easy, but honest and engaging with the child in an important moment in life)

I bet you can’t guess which approach we’d suggest?  Hee, hee

What good does it do our little girl to shelter her from the harsh reality of death?  Some might say that she’s too young to understand it, and I agree to a point – how many of us really understand death?  But I think a greater argument is this – I would rather help my child learn to cope with the death of a hamster NOW while I’m there to help her walk through it, than to wait until it’s something much more tragic (the death of grandma and grandpa for instance), and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be there to help her.  Do you see my point?

I believe that God gives us opportunities, all through the life of our children, to teach them as life happens.  We aren’t supposed to shelter them, cover up the reality of a harsh world, or hide them away in some ivory tower.  We are supposed to trust God to bring the “all things” of Romans 8:28 into their lives in such a way that they learn to trust Him for themselves.  And another thing, if they are going to grow up to be effective Chrsitians, ministering to people who live in a world of hardship, then they need to know something about hardship from their own experience in order to develop that capacity.  Otherwise they’ll be potential “know-it-alls” scripturally, but without compassion or understanding of the people they are attempting to help.

  • I’m not saying we manufacture hardships for them – life will do that enough on its own.
  • I’m not saying we intentionally expose them to things that are beyond their capacity to adequately handle (i.e. horror flicks, sexually deviant behaviors, etc.).  That would be irresponsible and possibly even cruel.
  • I am saying that we watch for the opportunities life brings to help them grow, learn, and mature.
  • I am saying that we be careful not to underestimate the work God wants to do in their lives THROUGH the cirucmstances they face daily.

We should walk alongside our children through the journey of their lives and help them learn to be people who can handle what life throws out them with faith, courage, and perseverance. 

When we do shelter them too much, I think we develop an attitude of ”me-ism” in our kids.  They begin to think that life is free of tragedy, or at least it should be.  They begin to believe that if it doesn’t bring them comfort, safety and happiness, then they should avoid it.  (How many life lessons will they miss out on if they only go for things that ”feel” good?)  Scripture is very clear – it’s the hard times that fashion our character into the image of Christ.  Why would we want to handicap our children in that respect?

A big area this impacts is the issue of their emotions.  Kids are pros at tempter tantrums (some adults are too).  They throw the tantrum because they are not getting/feeling what they want.  We have to help them learn to deal with their EMOTIONS too – not allowing them to be manhandled by those volitile feelings that well up from inside.  We have to teach them how to handle themselves – isn’t that a fruit of the Spirit - self-control?